smudged and awesome

i gotta remember the work pays off.
i gotta remember that.

i've been doin' my inner stuff, tryin' hard.
all the river stuff, mystery thinking and trying to center/calm myself.

the minute i feel nuts again i think none of it's working.
and wonder why i even try.
oh man, i'm such a darn control freak.

so after spending some days workin' on all this solo,
my friend calls to meet for a catch up.
i'm in. i could use the break.

i run up to the coffee shop and spill my story.
and wow.....it'd been two weeks of catchin' up to do
and there was a ton in that story.
i heard it all in a somewhat of a nutshell and thought 'okay,
no wonder you've been all over the place.'

then she spilled her story.
and it was such a great, crazy story.
the kinda story you can only tell a close friend.
i listened, i smiled, i cried, and i took every bit in.
and so much of her stuff helped me with my stuff.
i love it when that happens.

i took some of the big hunks from it and held them.
some of the big lessons. brought them home with me.
i felt so much lighter between talking to her and holdin'
some of these hunks she handed me. i felt like i had some
really cool mysterious cosmic stuff around me.

then my guy called. he's outta town so it's been hard to catch up.
but he finally had some time and we talked a bit.
i was gonna finish up the call, but i hesitated and asked him for some
help with a thought i was having.

he's in the zone right now with great thoughts.
it's such a delight to watch. and such a help to hear some of them.
so i handed him my thoughts i was struggling with.

and he handed me wisdom.
stuff about my mind doin' these tricks with me.
and stepping to the side and just watching what my mind is doing.
and then bringing it down to the heart level....just feeling.
getting to the compassion and understanding and letting it all just be.

knowing it all just is.

woe.
no wonder i'm in love with him.

so between the two of them.....my girlfriend and my boyfriend,
i just felt better.

this morning as i walked, i thought of all they both said. i whirled it
around and played with it and enjoyed it all. and i noticed how much
better i felt. between all the inner work i've been doing, and then all the
attention to centering i've been concentrating on, and then having people
who's thoughts i love....it all came together really nicely for me.

i took a different turn.
i took it on purpose.
 it's the one that lets me see the sun coming down the road.
the one where it looks like the sun wanders right down the road and comes
and fills up the day.

i just plain ol' needed to see that.

this morning i was delighted to see the sunlight was smudged all over
the place. like if you drew a picture with charcoal and you smudged the
charcoal and you get that smeary gray/black?
well that's like what god did with the sunlight. took the side of her big ol'
hand and smudged the sunlight so it was all smeary all over the road and sky.

smudged all over.

it was awesome.
i gasped. smiled. and just soaked it all in.

that's what i feel like inside today.
like there's light smudged all over in me.
it's not like it's a bright beam coming outta me.
no, not that feeling.
not even like twinkling stars inside of me.
nope.
but like there's sunlight starting to fill me up again.
and it's smudged all over my insides right now.

smudged and awesome.