clear and clean

well i'm guessin' i'm getting a course in patience here.
in understanding of what it's like not to have you energy like you want.
and i tell ya, i'm feelin' pretty darn cranky about it right now.
which i take as a good sign.

i've been waiting for cranky to hit.
and it's here!
which means i'm a bit more feisty than i have been.
that part feels good.

so, okay, i got knocked out pretty good.
i'm ready to get back up.
darn it.
i just get a little tired in the process here.

and here's the deal - i want to live good.
yeah.
i do.

i want to live all that stuff i've always wanted to live, only now i've got
this urgency in me that wants it all now!

but it's not 'stuff' i want, in the sense of 'things'....
it's strength, and a sense of humor, and joy and a confidence.
you know what? i think i've had it.....for awhile here....but it hasn't been
defined inside of me. like yeah, yeah, there's this vague feeling of some of that...

but i want to know i got it. i don't want that vague feeling anymore.
i want the belief in it.

not sure that's making any sense.
but it must be an 'after being sick' thing........
where you just had enough of the fuzzy stuff....and you want the clear and the clean.

and i figured something out thru all this.
this is gonna take some work to get back to normal. i got hit hard.
and i'm lucky....it's just a darn passing illness.
i think of friends who's illness isn't passing.
and i realize how lucky i am.
and i realize pretty clearly that this health of mine isn't a forever thing.

i want to grab it and live it.
i still think i'm gonna get tired along the way the next few days.
and i'm gonna try hard to be patient with that.

but i think i have a renewed feeling of what a gift i've got.
and i like that phrase 'clear and clean'....i want it clear and clean.

and it feels awful darn good to want it like this and to know i can take it.
even if i have to pace myself a few more days.

that's no small gift.
to have the gift of life and to want it so much.
that's a great combination!