Thursday, April 5, 2012

outta whack, outta skew, outta sorts

okay, so the last two mornings i woke up early early and just kinda crazed.

not real fun, but prolly a good sign my energy's comin' back.
this morning tho, when it happened i just felt that ol' insanity runnin' thru me again.

really, gus??
do i need to be freakin' out about everything?
ah...there was peace in sickness. i was too worn out to freak out. too worn out to think.

it's all rollin' back in with a vengeance now.
well, makes sense....i haven't exercised in forever.
and that's always been what's kept me sane.

and so i walked! yes! i walked this morning. not much....and not fast......but still!
it was a walk. and then i pulled a few weeds when i came back home.

ha!

and i have absolutely nothing in perspective.

i'm outta whack, outta skew, outta sorts.

as i weeded, a lotta stuff inside of me was coming out.
taking it out on the weeds felt good.
i was amazed tho at all that was pouring out.

i considered taking a break from the blog.
i feel worthless with what i'm offering.
and then i thought, nah, that's part of the journey.
sometimes you're just in a pit of nothingness.
if you go away, then the pit doesn't get shared.

and the whole point of this silly place is to share the journey.
pits and all.
and so i'm here.

a bit scared, a bit off center, a bit overwhelmed, a bit excited to have some
energy coming back, a bit confused, and a bit teary.

i walked, looked at the sky and wondered what it was all about.
really?? i asked myself. you're back here again??? lost again???

yeah.
maybe so.
i don't even know.

maybe i just really don't even want to know......
it's scary to think of facing all those feelings yet again........

and onward we go....
with the thought 'it's a gift, ter. it's a gift' echoing in the back of my head....

10 comments:

Brigitte / La de Ojos Azules said...

I've been there and, yeah, it's scary and at times demoralizing, but then out of nowhere, some of the wisdom you had acquired along the way comes back. And that's when you realize that you're not who you were before, you're better. But you have to give yourself time. Just let go and let it come, don't rush it... it WILL come. You just have to trust in that. I'm not saying it's easy, but it sure is worth it, for what you find on the other side is a stronger, wiser person, even more so than you had realized before :)

terri said...

thanks, ms. b. seems like i've told that to a million people before.
it's my turn now. it's true, isn't it? how i need to remember it right now. what would i do without you?! :)

Susie Keeth said...

Thank you for sharing you and this place Ter. Can you go back outside and look at the sky some more and wonder? And listen real intently for some answers to your wondering? Cuz I think that what you would hear would be rememberings of all the journeys that pass through this Sacred place you've created....all of the people that you and this place have brought some connection and some light to. What you are offering here is so far from useless.... it is you and your journey, the light and the darkness of it that we come upon along the way... just like the rest of us; the realness of the journey. There is absolutely nothing worthless about that; that's where the gold is found.That's where the most beautiful of lessons and growth happen and those really do end up being the best gifts of all.
So, yeah, maybe it's your turn to get from us all of the compassion and support that you've given so freely of yourself over the years. Time to receive a bit of what you've given of yourself.
I just happen to have a bunch of extra light in my pocket and Love in my heart. And I think you just happen to have a pocket to carry some of it in. Be kind to yourself... take a few days if you need to, rest. exercise. are you doing any meditating? Are you doing any visualization? Do you need us to bring you some tea and some coffee cake and hold you up while you get some strength and Sacred Knowing back in your system. The bus is already on automatic pilot so I can come back there and hold your hand or tell you stories or whatever you need.... just don't ask me to sing. ((((((((HUGS))))))))

terri said...

so i cried. yeah, i cried.
gosh, what can i say? thank you, susie...and you know what? we gotta get brigitte over here on that bus! i'll drop her a note about that. thanks so much......i think i'm coughing more from being outside!! and i'm just about ready to kick something to the moon because of that! and in your nice note came. maybe i will go back and look at the sky a bit.......thanks, susie......

W*R*O* said...

Im smack dab in the middle of my own anxiety and confusion. so i got no wisdom to share but i do have compassion and that shifts my own stuff just a little to help someone else feel understood.

((Terri)))

Connie/WRO/Goddess Tenacity (ha, don't feel so tenacious these days)

terri said...

thanks, connie! you made me laugh! well, i'm passion some compassion right back your way! it's a sucky place to be! but like brigitte and susie say....we just keep trusting! :)

jgb (Judi) said...

Ahhh Terri,the walk is dark sometimes... a very wise person once wrote this which gets me thru my dark days.

drop it.
turn your back to it
leave it behind.
we need your
hands free.
we've got some digging to do
to find your light
that you lost along the way.
it's still there.
even tho you doubt it.
it's still there.
and we'll find it together.
and when we do,
we'll fall on our knees
in gratitude and joy,
we'll laugh. we'll cry.
and then gently,
ever so gently,
we'll take it back out to the world.

jgb (judi)

terri said...

i swear you guys keep making me cry. thank you for that. :) thanks judi...nothing like reading your own words to make an impact. thanks so much.

Merry ME said...

I can't add much more wisdom than these women have already shared. Except maybe to cut youself some slack. Time is your friend, not your enemy. Cars run out of gas. Tea pots run out of steam. Givers run out of stuff to give. Let those you've loved back to health refill your reserves.

I'm an Olympic medalist in crying and sleeping, so I can pretty much assure you at some point you will get tired of both. Until then, don't push it.

Zenchick said...

yes, you have told *me* what all these people are telling you, many times. but you know what is so inspirational about this blog, and this post?
I read it and think: YES. You are SO where you need to be, including the confusion, and embracing the whole thing. and it's SO inspiring! it actually takes every time you've said it to me (and those help me more than you know) and make them EXPLODE! in a good way :-)
to see us all on the same journey is what it's all about.
And I have faith in you. You have built this community of love and we all hold each other up-including you. You're never alone.