mowing and thinking about trusting again....

who knew lawn mowing can soothe the spirit?
actually, i think a lotta people know.

it's just been sooooo long since i've mowed!

i swear i used to mow our whole yard (it's pretty big) with one of those
push mowers that have no motor, just the blades with zakk on my back
in one of those baby back packs! wow! when i think of those days.....wow.
i had some energy.

well, no zakk on my back yesterday. thank goodness.
and it's an electric mower now.
and it's the first time i really used it so i had to get the swing of the cord.
i'm not that coordinated....it took awhile.

but i think that helped.
payin' attention to the cord.

i ended up mowing without escaping to thoughts. which at this point is a good thing.
i ended up mowing kinda concentrating on mowing.
go figure.
i sorta had a guy brain for a bit there.
and it felt good.
there's something to be said for those guy brains!
and i only did it for a little bit.
still kinda goin' slow.

but it felt soooooo good.
just to get some sun, some lung fulls of pollen.....
i just so needed to be out there.

i mowed cause i'm trying to get in the swing of doin' stuff the guys do.
so that when they leave i'll do less falling apart.

ya just gotta kinda shake your head.....
i should know better by now.
specially as i'm recovering from a pretty big falling apart at this very moment.
i should know there's not much i can do to prevent the crumbling.
it just kinda does what it does.
wouldn't you think that'd be one lesson i get right now??

today i feel more able to just watch it/me.
today i feel more able to trust it/me.
at least i feel more comfortable with the idea.

today, for the first time, i really feel like i can pick up the word 'trust.'

i'm not doin' anything much with it yet. but i'm holdin' it. seein' it for
the first time in a bit here, and letting the echoes of what it feels like to
actually do that kinda wash over me.

trust.

that's no easy job, is it?
but truly, what else kinda choice ya got?

this 'not trusting' deal sure doesn't work too well.....

holdin' it, lookin' at it, and remembering......