i've been a little bummed at how i just have been a little bit 'off' lately.
i tell myself all the reasons, and they all make sense, but i just miss being 'on.'
so i don't know if 'frustrated' is the right word.....'bummed' prolly works better.
but whatever word is right, i've been feelin it about my feelings. tryin' hard to
accept what's there and be patient. and waiting for more signs of life.
and then yesterday.....in the afternoon......without even noticing it, i stepped right
into the space i've been missing.
i was headin' out in a few hours, had some stuff to finish, and concentrated hard
to get it all done.
when i closed up and scooted around the house gettin' ready to go out, i realized
i had been 'engaged' in my work for the first time in maybe a month.
really truly deeply full time engaged.
it felt awesome.
i thought of the word i used to describe it to myself - 'engaged.'
that's what it felt like.
so what did that mean - well, i was totally into it. absorbed. whole hearted.
concentrated. not separate. not just doing what i was sposed to be doing.
but more like being part of it.
i hopped in the car, put my hands on the steering wheel and looked down at my engagement ring.
when i got that ring, things inside of me changed. i could feel it. was totally
surprised by it as i thought it wouldn't make much of a difference to my feelings
inside. but it did.
what did it do? i asked myself......and i pretty much got the description i just
had given to the work stuff.
i woulda said i was all that before the ring. but i don't know....seems like i hit
a deeper level after that.
so then i got real curious about this word - 'engaged'.......
i looked it up.
i got all the things you'd expect to get, with a few that stood out and made me smile -
being in gear
partly embedded in or attached to another part
but here's my favorite -
of awakened zeal.
that's a good one, don't you think?
of awakened zeal.
that's what happened to me yesterday.
for a few hours with work.
and as far as i can tell, if it happened once, it's gonna happen again.
i'm kinda into zeal.
and i sure have missed it.
i gotta be patient and know that if it showed up once, it'll show up again.
and be okay with some of the non-zeal i'll feel in between.
in the meantime i'm gonna hold the words/thoughts of engaged and zeal
and remember them as i do anything....just to be aware of them and open
a space for them to come wandering back in.
altho........i doubt they wander. they prolly kinda zip on in and take over.
and i'd really be okay with that........