smiling for real today

it truly was a healing weekend.

there were times i wasn't so sure...but waking up today
with the first bounce of life i've felt in weeks, i knew it truly was.

being sick slowed down my seein' my guy.
that's the advantage of separate houses, he actually can miss out on
the plague when it hits. but i so missed seeing him. it felt like forever.

we spent our first hunk of time in ages together and that's when i realized
something i had been doing.

i had very purposefully and very quietly shut off my heart.

snuggled in talking to him, it really came to me what i had done and why.
and i also realized what a safe place he is for me. how he offers me the
space to figure things out. it never really occurred to me until i was talking
with him. and then it was so clear.

so step one was seeing that. and i could work with it a bit with him.
but i was still needing something else.

and the next day i picked up the phone and called my friend who's like
a mom to me. and sure enough, she was right there jumping in and loving
me and offering her wisdom. and it was thru our conversation i got the
second part i really needed....

she told me i needed to stand in my light and hold the things i knew.
i couldn't talk to her without crying. everything i said was thru tears, and i
told her that i had done just the opposite and had turned my back on everything
i knew.

another safe person. i could tell her i totally flubbed up. and she laughed and
told me i had needed to and it was okay, but where i needed to go was back
to that stuff.

and i knew it. i could feel it.
and i told her the few things i really had learned, the few things i really believe in,
i had turned my back on.

oh that's great, huh?

and as we talked i got filled with this feeling -
you can learn stuff, you can figure stuff out, but if you abandon it when you're havin'
a hard time, then what the heck good does it do you? that's exactly when you need it.
and if you can stand in it when you're struggling, then you know you believe in it.

and i thought about how i wanted to do that.
how i consciously wanted to do that, for me and to kinda honor those thoughts
and beliefs.

i could see two of me.
i could see the outside part standing there dealing with whatever i had to deal with,
while the inside part threw up her arms, squealed, and ran away.

i smiled.
cause that's not unusual.
i think that's what i do when the going gets tough.

so the part that ran away....i called her back.
and we talked. and we nodded so solemnly. let's stand in what we believe.
let's stand there and hold it.

so what are those things?
what are the things i've learned along the way and proclaim all the time?

listen to your heart.
hear it and follow it.
open to it.
trust it.
offer it.
know if you do that, you're being guided in the right direction.

that's it.

opening.
listening.
trusting.
offering.

that's it.

that's where i'm gonna concentrate right now.
and here's the thing....
it's not just words to me.
i could feel all of those.
i know what it's like to open to your heart.
i  know that feeling.
i know what it's like to listen to it.
to kinda step into that realm.
i know that place.
and i soooo haven't been there.

and that's exactly where i want to be right now.
and when you focus there, when you really focus there,
you can trust it.
and i don't  know how the offering comes into play,
but for me, that's a big part of it.

i think the offering might be part of opening.
sorta like you can open to yourself and privately,
but for me, when i offer my heart, i'm stepping into another realm of opening.
and for me, that kinda seems necessary.

so anyway.......that's what the healing weekend did for me.
and i feel kinda trembly excited about it.
quietly, and trembling like excited.

i've just barely started.
but i'm intent on this right now.

and i'm smiling for real today.
and that feels awesome good.