growth spurts

it's a growth spurt.
i finally, finally figured that out.
can't even beat myself up for not knowing right away as spurts like this
are few and far between and i'm not used to recognizing them yet.

but i do see how they seem to start.
in pain and sadness.
and then it seems to be a long stretch of a road of closing down,
trying to come back to life, and feeling lost.

and then there's the confusion.
what on earth is going on? and how come i can't get really really steady?

and then.......then.....the sure sign of a growth spurt -
i start noticing things.
little moments that seem to be carrying messages, thoughts, ideas, reminders.

i'll notice the moment.
i'll notice the message, thought, reminder or whatever it is.

i'll look at it.

sometimes i look across the table at it.
maybe one of my sons will remind me of the magic of life.
he'll sit across the table and not even know he's doing it.
but i'll see it.
and remember.
oh yeah.
look at that.
hmmmmmm.....

sometimes i'll hear it in a conversation, read it in an email,
hear it on a message on my answering machine.

a reminder that someone has no idea they're giving me.

i'll look.
i'll notice.
i'll say hmmmmmmmm........

but i don't reach out and hold it.
yet.

and then somewhere in there i'll figure out that i'm in the middle of some sort
of process. some sort of growing and changing. and i'll understand the
importance of it, maybe even get a tad excited......but mostly not enjoy
the process a whole lot.

but what if i worked on that right now?
enjoying the process.

knowing what's goin' on....even tho i really don't know what's going on,
being good with it, and being excited as i know i'm growing in some way.
and i truly want that.

yesterday, in trying to reach out to a friend, i told her some of my stuff i was
feeling. i just typed as i thought without filtering or stopping. and what came
out was exactly what i needed to hear....

it went something like this -

"and what i'm thinking is...it is that very struggle that is what the whole deal
is about. it's not about the topic of that struggle or the ins and outs of that
topic.

it's about the struggle and the coming to believe something inside ourselves.
it's about growing who we are. i believe that's the part of the whole thing
that matters. and we don't even realize it. at least i don't...."

i get lost in the topics.
i get lost in the stuff that's the upper layer.
i wade around in sadness and discomfort...
not realizing that's what's going on is so important and something i want a ton.

i threw away all my beliefs some years back.
just threw them down on a cave floor and watched them shatter.
a few pieces came back into my hands.
a very few.

i wondered how i'd ever find any other beliefs and how i'd form them and where i'd
find them and how it all worked.

well.....i think right now........i'm in the process of finding a belief that i can hold.
i think that's what's goin' on.

and i'm realizing it means shattering habits and old thinking, breaking images and
identities that no longer work to make room for the new. nothing easy or fun,
but something i need to do that matters so much.

i'm starting to see the process that's going on.
and i gotta say.....it's kinda cool.