stop stuffing, ms. ter.......

as i walked on this beautiful spring morning,
i thought about growing into wisdom.

it's something i'd like to do as i get older.
and the thought occurred to me that it doesn't come easy
or quickly. and that all these moments are moments to strive towards it.

i mean, i knew that.
but it just felt like that's what i was sposed to be workin' on right now.

i thought of some of the moments i've had this year and some of the ways
i seem to deal with them.

i'm spatially challenged.
i can't figure out if something can fit into something else just by looking.
i have to actually try it out for real.
this can be pretty comical at times.

like the time i bought a long coffee table and two end tables at a thrift store,
carried them out to my tercel, looking at that little car as i walked towards it.
it wasn't til i had the doors open trying to smash that table into it that i thought
uh oh.
i spent a lotta time twisting and turning and stuffing those things in.
thankfully, that time it worked.
not easily.
and rather funny if you were looking on.
but it did work.

i think i try to do that with life a lot.

i try to stuff it into a container.

and sometimes like bread dough, it oozes out a side.
or like a coffee table, it smashes a window and will not fit.

life is just not gonna slide into a container and fit.

and i think of all the time and energy i have spent on trying to make it do that.

and a little interesting side note about the furniture in the tercel story -
a really nice guy came by me in the parking lot offering to help me.
'oh, no' i smiled. 'i got it. no problem.'
jeesh.
of course there was a problem.
it wouldn't fit!
but i smile and say i got it. don't need help. not a problem.

that makes me laugh because yeah......i do that with life too.

a breeze blew over me as i walked. i closed my eyes and just felt it.
sometimes in little moments like that i can feel the wisdom around me.
i can feel it. i just can't seem to access it.

but when i opened my eyes after it flew by me, it had left a word inside of me.

'allow'

true to my nature, i had to question it.
you sure it's not 'acceptance'??
and i laugh as i type that.
yes, i have a long way to go to get to this allow stuff....
i can't even allow the word to land on me without questioning it!

but i felt it.
and i knew that's the concept i need to just watch and hold and strive for.

the allowing of life to be life.
of not having to stuff it in a container and make it fit.
of allowing the fluidity and knowing that is what life is.

it's not my natural default spot for sure.
and maybe that's the stuff of wisdom.......stepping into the stuff
outside of that default spot and living from there.