Thursday, June 7, 2012

articulating just a bit....

my dad's the one who taught me how to write.
(altho if he saw the grammar/punctuation i use here and everywhere,
he'd prolly try to deny it!!)

i remember writing those high school papers, bringing them over for him
to proof. him sitting on the couch with his pen and clipboard.
(always a clipboard!)
and having him cross out half of what i'd written.

he wasn't ever mean about it.
very 'teacherish' about it.
he'd cross out a sentence and show me how it was 'gobbledegook'
or show me the 'fluff sentence over here that said nothing.'
and 'what are you trying to say here? why not just say it?'
and the lines would go thru the sentences.

mostly i didn't mind. i wanted to do it right.
and i honestly knew i was learning how to write.
but sometimes i was so tired and didn't care and yeah,
i'm sure i musta cried a few times.

not cause of what he was doing, but because i just wanted to get it
right the first time, ya know???

between him and an extraordinary high school english teacher -
the one who taught me just about every word i used was a 'garbage word.'
(words like 'fantastic, incredible, wonderful....all my words!)

i learned a ton.
i still use those words all the time. it's just now i know i'm talkin' trash.

this all might be why the bone sighs are short.


but no matter how clear i could get the paper,
how to the point the sentences could be,
how many 'garbage words' i tossed out,
i never really felt like i could articulate what i wanted.

it was when i was well into my 30's that i realized i just didn't feel articulate.

even on one of those wish list game know...if you won a million dollars,
what would you do? if you could have any skill better, what would it be? one of
those things......

i remember writing that i wanted to be articulate.

i had SO much inside of me i just couldn't get out for anyone to understand.

this morning, in response to the bone sigh quote of the day,
i got a note from someone who commented that i must really enjoy
'my gift' of expressing things.

my eyebrows went up.
and i grinned.
and i remembered writing about how i wanted to be articulate.


here's the part i'm hoping you might be able to turn on you and think about -

i still don't feel like i can express all that i want.

it's not a 'i'm not good enough' thing.
it's not a 'wounded woman' thing.
it's not any of that.

it's that there's SO much inside of me that i don't know how to get out
and have it make sense to anyone else.

it's that i've just barely touched what's in there.

and i know that.
other people won't know.
how can they?
but i do.

but maybe (and here's your part to flip on you) maybe i have to see the gift
that i do have...which i think i negate because i know what a long way i have to go still...

maybe i have to stop negating it.
and say 'hey, yeah, look....i can express a lot.
i have a ton more i want to express.
i'm growing.
i'm evolving.
and the expressing will do the same.'

and maybe instead of feeling like i can't do what i want -
completely turning that into a knowing that i can.
and anything that big (cause what's inside of me is a lot) is going to take
some time. that's all.

it's not a matter of can't.
it's a matter of patience and growth and allowing.

and i'm just thinking maybe we've all got a splotch like that in our lives.

so today, i think i'm just gonna rejoice in how much i AM articulating.
how it's my own style, and even how my dad and my english teacher prolly
wouldn't be all that impressed......okay....they prolly wouldn't be impressed
at all. even how THAT'S cool.......cause somewhere along the way, i took what
both those guys taught me and made it mine. and made it something i can grow with.

ultimately, that's the goal, isn't it?

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