building the bookcase of non-fudgement.

when i was doin' those house projects with my sons -
or...um....when i was hovering around while my sons did those house projects -
i helped out a little here and there.

which included some sawing, hammering, drilling....some of that kinda stuff....

it's not like i've never done that stuff before, but never 'for real' where it mattered.
i've built some 'furniture' - but funky stuff that i like and nothing level for sure.

so this doin' it for real stuff was all new to me.

and what really really hit me about it was the fact that you can't fudge when
you do this stuff.

you have to do it 'right' for it to work.

you gotta have the right tool, you can't use something that might work.

you gotta hold the tool correctly - if you're tryin' to screw a screw in
that's too high for you to reach and you're reachin' as high as you can and
spinnin' that drill - you're just messin' it all up. you need the right angle.

you gotta measure correctly, cut straight, hammer the nail in straight.

all that stuff.

you don't fudge.
cause when you fudge.......oh my. it's not good......you create problems.

and here's the thing - i have spent my whole life fudging.

i fudge everywhere.

everywhere.

i've never tried to do anything where i couldn't fudge.

and so.......i think i want to try this construction stuff.
i'm not exactly sure why.
except that this whole 'not fudging' has me intrigued.

at this point in my life, i get frustrated and cry when i can't do it 'right.'
yeah, i actually cry.
like a girl.

grin. (don't yell at me for the girl comment!!)

cause i don't have a mindset of the patience you need.
and the thinking it thru.
and the figuring it out.

i don't have those things.

no.
no.
that's not true.

that's why i'm doing it.......
cause i want to find those things inside of me.
i know they're in there.
and i want to find them.

but i'm not crazy.
i certainly don't want to replace a wall on my own or anything like that.

i'm gonna build a bookcase.

yeah.

that's what i'm gonna do.

not sure when as i don't want to do it in the heat.....
but i'm gonna start figuring it out.

and i'm gonna use it as a growing thing.
the goal won't be about the bookcase at all.

it'll be about finding parts of me inside myself.

and i'm really likin' the whole idea.......
building the bookcase of non-fudgement.