standing up yet again......

oh man.
i found myself in one heck of a place this weekend.
one of those really deep questioning places.
one that wasn't gonna be shaken off with a good nite's sleep
like i had hoped.

instead, i woke up deeper in it than ever.

what i wonder is why i have to get that deep before i do
a shout out for help?

maybe it's cause i don't really know who or what i'm shouting out to?

maybe.

but whatever the reason, i got deep enough i did a shout out.

'help me? i really need some guidance here.'

i can count on my hands how many times i've sincerely done
that shout out and i can tell you every single time i feel as if
i've been responded to.

what is that?
some would say god.
some would say angels.
some would say the universe.
some would say some sorta energy that's attracted to mine.
some would say my imagination and wishful thinking.

i haven't a clue.
and actually, i'm okay with it being any of those.
as long as i feel responded to.
i really don't care.

so not long after that comes an email from a friend.
we don't write that often....and there she is....saying things to me
countering all the doubts i was feeling.

i started crying.
and felt so much like it was a message for me.

for a bit.
but then, you know how it goes.....
maybe it wasn't.
maybe i'm just so desperate.
maybe it wasn't anything but a nice note.

and then came the next one.
from someone different.

hmmmm.......okay. that certainly feels like an affirmation.
okay. i got it. the tears, the power of the notes. i couldn't
ignore that stuff.

talkin' to the guys about what was going on, i included the notes
that i had gotten and how it felt like something to pay attention to.
they laughed 'ya think??' and told me not to irritate the universe by
needing yet another.

i grinned.

and then found another.

and another.

four.

bam.
bam.
bam.
bam.

all telling me things i doubted. all telling me to just drop the doubts.

in thinking of it all this morning, i realized that i feel a lot like i felt when
i started out on my new life ten years ago...

having no idea where i'm going, not sure which way to turn,
scared so deeply at moments, and then other moments sure of the magic
i need to lean into. watching the signs and believing and then sure that
they really weren't there. wondering if i can ever pull off what i need to,
then knowing i have to.

oh man.
i've been here before.

and i realize that it's been ten years.
and my life is changing again.
and i have no clue what that really means.
and that's gonna knock me around a bit.

i've been here before.
i know this place.

i need to remember that and instead of acting like it's brand new territory
and feeling so lost.......i need to remember the lessons learned the last time.
i need to lean into the power gained last time.

you don't go thru these things without gaining a whole ton.
so um......terri........don't drop that stuff now.
use it.

and holler for help.
just holler for help.

cause even tho i have no clue where it comes from,
i know it comes.

maybe it's from an outer source. maybe it's from my depths.
wherever it's from......it's there.

that in itself should be held and trusted.

and once again i stand back up.