pulled under......

so it feels really like one of the strangest things...
and it has me in a bit of awe.....

i want to try to describe it.
to be clear, i haven't ever processed anything quite like this before.
and i'm really really wondering about that.
is it because somehow now i can?
and i'm really not sure if i ever want to process anything like this again.
'intense' doesn't even seem to begin to describe it.

apparently, it was time i looked at something deep inside of me.
but i didn't know that, ya know?
something happened that upset me.
i felt anger and frustration.
and then when i woke up in the morning i felt fear.
lots and lots of fear.
and i was pretty sure i had really only one choice -
to get away from the situation.
which would change my life significantly.

after talking to two of the people i trust most,
and both saying it wasn't what i was thinking and i needed to look deeper,
i heard them.

stop.
right there.

i think it was in the hearing.
and then accepting the truth of it.

right there seemed to be when things started happening.

i feel like if anything opened a door to what happened, that was it.

i've blogged about bits of that part.
about how i found quotes, and people's writings and thoughts that seemed
to be aimed straight at me. how i felt this 'opening' in the universe and
understood it was time. it was time to look.

all this happened after i 'heard.'

then there was treadmill therapy.
something really really deep came up as i was on the treadmill.
i didn't know how to hold it.
every time i came near it, i couldn't control my crying.

self forgiveness.

i had to find self forgiveness.
and i had no clue how to find it.


fear filled me.
i had no no no no no idea how to heal it, if it would ever heal,
or how to live with it.

this went on and on.

i would get such intense fear.
and then.......just as suddenly, it would leave.
and i would be calm and think 'it's okay. this is the journey.
you can face what you have to face.' and i'd go back to work.

the fear and the calm circling around and around in me.

the fear would come back.
deep. intense.
every cell in me screamed 'run.'
'go.'
'just go.'
'you won't find it.'

i wanted to shut doors and hide and either deal with it all on my own
or just never ever deal with it.

no. that's not right.
the FEAR wanted me to do that.
i didn't want to do that.
and somehow i knew the difference.

and i'd fight it.
those fights were like wrestling with a lion.
i swear those were just intense deep fights.

i began to think that i'd need to do some kinda special work that i didn't
know about. you know. learn something to do to address this. find the key
to the whole thing.

but then the calm would come.

finally, i turned on some music.
it's an album that i think is very odd.
and i like it very much.
one time while doing art, i had it on and i felt like i had listened to a long long prayer.

i immediately thought of that music and put that on.
i pulled out my watercolors and i started on some art.

i just sat and created and opened to the music.
and i could feel the prayer around me........and i could feel the prayer in me.
and i sat and tried to do nothing but be.
just be and watch and feel.

softness came.
for the first time in days i felt softness.

different angles of looking at things came.
but they didn't come in as 'maybe if you stand over here and look, you'll
see this different.'

that's effort and trying.

it wasn't effort and trying.
it was just there.
and i didn't plunge in and grab it.
i just saw it floating there and i felt it.
and i liked it.

a song came on that i never had gotten into before.
and then i realized she was singing straight at me.
the whole album feels like it's all about love and living love and being love
and struggling with love.

not the romantic kind.......the living it kind.

at some point i realized i was in a process.
i realized real clearly that there were some big big weights inside of me
and that the process was shifting them.

and i trusted it completely.

and i realized i was really really tired.
but i wasn't afraid anymore.

i could feel it.
the fear had left.
i mean, really left.

it truly was like being pulled under water.
thrashing and trying to get away.
the panic.
the total fear.
and then........being under.......really under..........
and being okay with it.
and having the fear leave.
just having the fear leave and seeing what was around you.

and then i quit for the evening.
knowing i'd be okay, i was in a process, and it was working.
and there wasn't anything else i needed to do right then.

i thought of the bone sigh i wrote the day before -

"it wasn't about pulling her under and drowning her.
no.
it was about pulling her under to see.
to understand the depths and reach beyond.
overwhelmed, yet trusting the pulling,
her tears added to the waters.
she went under and opened her eyes."

and i feel like that is exactly what is going on right now.
in one of the most amazing ways i have ever experienced.....