thinking it thru

i was reading more stuff on love, and found something that really hit me
as a parent. of course it made sense as a partner, but it was so hitting
my parental stuff too while i read. and then i got to thinking about all different
kinds of relationships and i thought i should probably stamp this on my arm or
something.

it's more of 'the road less traveled' -

he starts out with 'for the truly loving person the act of criticism or confrontation
does not come easily...'

and he talks about how it's arrogant to just assume we know better and how
that's not loving, and how 'genuine love recognizes and respects the unique
individuality and separate identity of the other person....'

and goes on to say there should be a lot of self questioning about the whole deal
before you go saying something.
do i really see things clearly or am i operating on murky assumptions?
do i really understand...am i being self serving....that kinda stuff.

he says that 'there are two ways to confront or criticize another human being:
with instinctive and spontaneous certainty that one is right, or with a belief that
one is probably right arrived at through scrupulous self-doubting and self-examination.
the first is the way of arrogance, it is the most common way of parents, spouses,
teachers and people generally in their day to day affairs, it is usually unsuccessful
producing more resentment than growth...the second is a way of humility, it is not common,
requiring as it does a genuine extension of oneself; it is more likely to be successful,
and it is never, in my experience, destructive.'

the first thing i thought of was my parenting. and then i thought of my partnering.
and then i thought of my friendships and then it went on and on around my life.
and THEN i thought of the times i've been really truly deeply hurt by others...
and so many of those times are just what he's talking about - people assuming they
knew something when they were so wrong. and the destruction that happens then
can be so big.

seriously, i really wish we had classes on this stuff growing up.

i wanted to glance over at the hurts i got from others because of this very thing only
to see the feeling. so i did so. i glanced. and it sucked. but then i looked back at
me and my stuff. because that's where i want to concentrate. not on past hurts.
but on present living. i want to make the life i have with the people i have in it really 
really good. that's where i want to concentrate.

you know what's cool about it too that isn't obvious at first? the part about it requiring
a genuine extension of oneself. that's good stuff.

the more we do that, the more authentic we become.

this is the kinda thing that matters so much all the way around.
it's got my attention this morning, so thought i'd toss it out here.