just thinking

it keeps coming out in the stories i'm hearing lately -
some kinda theme i'm trying to watch.

and lately, there have been so many stories.
i sit back in amazement as i hear about them.
the struggles everyone has.
the different kinds of pain.
and the efforts that go into getting thru the pain.

it's quite a classroom for me.
this one part caught my attention the other day,
and now i see variations of it all over.

a friend is sick. real sick.
we'll call her zelda.
i've known zelda for years and she's always trying to put on
a happy face. this time tho, it's just not possible and there
are times she shows her other feelings.

i'm always relieved to see that, being big on expressing our
emotions, i'm a believer in life beyond the happy face.
well, zelda has another friend who can't seem to be there
for her as she has trouble with things not going well.
she seems to need the happy face.

when zelda told me this, i felt so bad for both of them.
i'm thinking that has to take quite a toll on zelda's friend.
cause you know somewhere deep inside she's doin' some
kinda inner fight. and then, of course, zelda misses out on
support she could really use.

i wondered if zelda could tell her that it's okay to share the
hard stuff. that it'd be good for both of them to experience it
together.

and then i thought of how that would feel to zelda if she did
indeed put it out there and her friend ran the other way.. it'd
be a heartbreak zelda doesn't need right now.

and that's the part i got stuck on.
i know if i were zelda, it'd be a heartbreak.
i know that.
and who wants to deal with yet more sad stuff in the midst of
a very scary crisis?

and i got to thinking - wouldn't it be cool if zelda could put it out
there and then release the control of the outcome. not need any
certain thing to happen??

now, maybe she can.
this stopped being about zelda the minute i got stuck on the
heartbreak part. i don't  know what she'll want to do, i put the
idea out for her and let it go. i figure she'll do what feels right.

i know tho, that i might not mention it if i were her.
because i would need a certain outcome.

ah, ter, there goes that control stuff again.
and that's when it started to become a lesson for me.

since then, i've heard other stories and watched where our needs
get in the way and tangle things up. we need people to do certain
things or we can't be happy.

i am completely familiar with this theme. i live it plenty.
thing is, i've had glimpses into the world of 'letting go.'
putting out what i need, living in a way that i need to live,
and letting people do what they do and not worrying about it.
and i know there's incredible freedom there.

there's a point where it turns from me needing people to be there
for certain reasons, to just gratitude that they're present.
that their presence, in whatever form is enough.

that's a powerful way to live life.
and one that gets lost to me over and over again when i get
tangled in my needs.

i find it interesting that now i feel that theme in so many of the stories.
now i'm watching it.
i must be ready to play around with this a bit.
i'm thinking i want to practice this as i go thru my days.
just letting people be where they need to be.
and leave my needs out of it.

cause as far as i can tell, almost all my needs are 'wants.'
very few are actual needs.
and the ones that really are needs can be filled.
there doesn't have to be a fear around that.

so if there doesn't have to be a fear, there doesn't have
to be a control, i can just be and so can everyone else.

so if i was zelda, i could turn to my friend, tell her she's missing out
on one powerful journey, it'd be cool if she was there. we could help
each other thru it.....and then i could let it go and let the friend disappear
if she chose that. i could feel some sense of sadness if she ran, but
it wouldn't be overwhelming. i would understand that i'm okay and that
my friend must do what she must do.

it doesn't sound that hard.
i could do that. i could.
well......on the surface.
not for real.
cause there would be hurt there.
i'd take it personally.
and it would hurt.

that's not doing it.

i guess that's the key..........seeing it's not personal.
it's their deal.

which reminds me of a bone sigh........

maybe grace is figuring out it's not all about you.
that people are doing what they're doing
for their own reasons.
not yours.
and maybe grace is accepting that.

and i can just imagine really really living that would be such grace
as well.