living

zakk insulted my movie taste a few nites ago.

i don't usually watch movies. mostly i'll watch one with the guys just

to be with them. but otherwise not much at all. here and there.

but he insulted me, right?

so for the last two nites i curled in and watched girl stuff he'd never watch.

just to show him.

hmph.

which is funny cause i didn't really know it til i finished the second movie last nite. 

he came in and we were laughing that i watched two movies in two nites.

unheard of around here! and then i realized why.
cause he insulted me.
and we laughed some more.

we both knew it was true and we both thought it was funny.

so okay......no one laugh.......but i watched the cinderella one - ever after.

two things stood out for me -

i'm old.

it was a story about kids.

and i was more interested in the dynamics of the parents than the main characters.

i wanted to find out more about the king and queen and what their thoughts

were on life.........i wanted some meat. some real life stuff. so why did i pick

a kids love story??? i think maybe cause the truth was i couldn't handle much

real life stuff last nite. too much pain swirling around me and i wanted silly

stupid stuff. 

but i think i need silly stupid stuff aimed at old people now.

wow. that really stood out for me.

i can't even fake 'young' anymore.

jeesh.

and then the last line......the very last line made the whole thing worthwhile for me....

something like -

'yes, gentlemen, while they did live happily ever after, the point is, they lived.'

bam.

that line hit me.

they lived.

and THAT was on my mind big time yesterday before i ever heard that line.

i don't think it's a happily ever after kinda life.

i just really don't.

but i think there's some true deep happy stuff in it.

mixed in with all the other.

and all of it is life.

allowing it all in is living.

diving into it all is really really living.

i've spent way too long thinking otherwise.

being trapped into thinking it's all sposed to be good.

if you just do it right, it'll all work out happy.

close off the bad, fight the pain, just let in the good.

pooh.

completely and totally wrong.

that's not living.

and i want to live.

really really live.

that'd be kinda cool on my tombstone -

'the point, (ladies and) gentlemen, is that she lived.'

shootin' for that today.