new turns...

so there's this direction that's showing itself to me.

it's been showing itself pretty clearly now for a few months.
but i'm just starting to really really put it together.

i was pretty darn terrified i wasn't up for the journey.
which all boils down to not trusting myself.

my guy spent some time explaining to me why i could trust myself.
he pointed out some things that i've done that would back up trusting myself.

oh yeah.
as he talked, i kept thinking 'oh yeah.'
'oh yeah, i did that. i can do it. i can trust me.'

but then i went right back to the fear.
apparently fear is a comfort spot for me at the moment.

altho it doesn't feel real comfortable.
i must need it somehow cause i'm hangin' on pretty tight to it.
even tho i've declared i'm in for the journey and will go where i must.

apparently i'll go shaking.

and i can't even make the direction i'm turning sound all that amazing...
but for me - it's pretty darn awesome.

i've been calling it 'loving honestly.'

loving honestly.

what the heck does that mean???

it can't be love unless it's honest, can it?

well, no.
but we trick ourselves, ya know?
or at least....i trick myself.

i'll love parts of people, but not all of them.
even tho i don't really acknowledge that to myself.
i think i'm doin' it.
i think i'm loving.
but it's not all the way.

or i'll fear parts of them...
you know...maybe tip toe around that angry part of theirs so i don't wake that up.
is that okay?
is it love if you fear parts of them?
i don't know. seems like there's stuff in there for me to figure out.

or how about not being able to watch the destructive behavior of someone you love?
how does that fit in?
is that okay?
i mean, it makes sense to me that i can't watch and shouldn't have to.
and maybe that's perfectly legitimate and fine........but how do you do that and stay
present in the love? can you stay present? or does it change? and is that change
enough to make it not love anymore?

i don't know.........i don't have any answers.........cause i'm not there yet.
but i want to be. i want to be wholly present with this stuff.

i'm starting to see more and more that how you feel about yourself totally relates
to everything i just wondered about and more. but i'm just starting to see that.
only have a tiny little glimpse of that.

i've had longer glimpses and even spots of understanding of how self love completely
relates to loving another. on one level i see it very well. i don't doubt it at all.

and i think this is all the next level stuff for me.
and i'd bet the farm that the depth and strength of self love affects these things
equally as much.

which is one heck of a big ol' thought.
cause that means the attention has to be turned to self love.
to really get good at that. to really understand it's so much more than
taking the time for a candle light bath for yourself once a week.

it's learning to listen to yourself and hear and believe in and respect and
honor and care about yourself....in every aspect of your living.  i don't even
know what all it is.....it's learning to do all that and let people in at the same time.

it's one thing to do that on your own in solitude. but do that when other people
are involved?? oh jeesh.

it's been a quest of love.
and yeah, that sounds so nice.
but it's so darn hard.

cause you have to be honest and look and see and accept and let go
and release and hold and care and be willing to be broken open over and over again.

and there's no fudging of that.

and i want to go deeper into it all.
and that's the journey i'm turning to as motherhood ends for me.
that's the turn in the road i want to follow.

i thought of that over and over yesterday as i celebrated my son's birthday.
i thought of all i had experienced with these sons of mine........and all they had
taught me..........and all that i had left to figure out on my own......

well.....maybe not on my own, huh? i've got a partner right there next to me
willing to walk the road and learn along side of me. wow. i think i'm just starting
to really understand that. it's gonna be one heck of a turn.....