snagged

it snagged me.
it really really snagged me.
an observation that caught my leg as i tried to step over it,
grabbed me, pulled me down and landed me flat -
looking up surrounded by more of the same kinda stuff that snagged me.
all over the place - surrounded by the snag stuff.

it was someone's lack of seeing the obvious.
it was someone's need to NOT see.
it was someone's need to create their own reality and live with that
until it couldn't work anymore.

okay.
fine.
live in your little denial world.

but it's not okay fine, is it?
because that kinda stuff ends up hurting other people.

'no man is an island.'
they are not kidding with that line.

laying there looking up, i saw it everywhere.
the making of our own stories to justify our behavior.
and i saw all the hurt and damage that happened from that.

and i started wondering about the 'sins of the world.'
and i wondered how many....could it be ALL??....happened
because we were so convinced of our own truths and couldn't
bring ourselves to really look.
we so needed something to be some way that we just couldn't
deal with the other person and what was real?

we ultimately just couldn't deal with ourselves.

everywhere i turned, i saw it.
in every degree.
small stuff that didn't seem to matter to huge huge stuff that affected the world.

and then.........without even trying to find it in myself, i ran right into it.

most times i go looking in myself to find stuff.
i know if i see it outside me, it's inside me somewhere.
this time i didn't get that far,
i found it without even searching.

i hurt my guy.
i saw it in his eyes.
my own stuff that isn't even real - it's just a fear i choose to coddle,
got in the way of reality.

got in the way of love.

i chose living in my own non-real stuff over love.
and it caused hurt.

and i watched it in his eyes.

oh, i didn't watch it at first.

i was too concerned with me.

isn't that what happens?
the concern is about ourselves.
how something affects us.

because we're human.
that's what we do.

and the courage it takes to REALLY see what's going on -
i don't know........i was gonna write 'can seem like too much'
but i don't even think we stop and realize we have a choice.
i don't think we stop to even think it takes courage.
we just go without stopping to think.
we just act.

this time i saw it.

and i guess cause i had been thinking about this stuff, i watched it.
i watched his eyes and what i had done.

and i owned it and because of the love between us, i could take it
and do good with it.

i was lucky.
i could see it, own it and change it.

what really really got me as i lay down there in the snaggy things
was that the deceptions continued after the hurt was caused.

that the person who couldn't deal with the reality in the first place,
and had to live in denial,
couldn't deal with the pain it caused.
couldn't own it.
couldn't take responsibility for it.
and continued the denial with blaming the pain on others.

we do this constantly.
some much much much more and much much more damaging than others.
but we all do this.

every bit inside of me wants to urge people everywhere to look, to stop it,
to dig deep and see and own what you see and work with what you see.
to stop blaming the other person.

and then i sit back and smile a sad sad smile.
cause i know that's not gonna happen.

i know the world will keep rollin' like it rolls.
and the damage will keep happening.
that people will read this and think of others who do this,
but not themselves.

but once again, i'm reminded.....the only change i can make is inside of myself.

the only things i can truly own are my own actions.

and that when i look at someone i love and see the hurt i caused,
i can change that.
if i step up with courage and strength.

and stop needing a fake reality to feel like i'm living.