snippets (2)

we had knocked on her door.
it was a secure building - we had slipped in by the
grace of something...
she hollered that she was on the phone.
i didn't care.
i needed her now.
'it's really important' i shouted back.

finally, she stood there,

she was old and way way way shakey.
it was probably parkinsons.
her head just bobbed up and down.
her talking seemed difficult.

she had been on the phone with medicare and didn't want
to let them go. she had kept them on the phone while she answered the door.

no, she didn't have a spare key for his apartment.
she was sorry.

thanking her, we turned back down the stairs.

the calls began.
no one was around.
he was busy making calls when she came down the stairs and
stood with me.

we talked for a few minutes.
i told her i was really worried.
with her head moving up and down she turned her face to me,
and for the first time, i saw her as pretty.
it was like she trusted me and for a moment i felt like she let me in.
people's beauty shines thru in those moments.
straight faced, with a gleam in that eye and her head moving up and
down she asked me - 'want to break in?'
i looked at her and didn't hesitate - 'yeah' i answered.
she smiled, 'i know how. i have a knife.'

and up she went to get her knife.

i was worried, i was upset, i was stressed......and i was delighted in her.
i laughed when she corrected him and his attempt to get thru the lock.
'no. not like that.' and she took the knife with her shakey hands and showed
him how. it still didn't work. but it was a moment i'll never forget.

how could there be a moment where i laughed?
how could i find delight in her when i was so worried about what we'd find?

and yet i did.....
and i'm reminded of the huge huge mix that living is.

when we headed over to the window, he took the screen off.
i pushed his arm out of the way and started boosting myself into the window.
i heard him joke about all the women being cat burglars.
again, a laugh as i went crawling in to see what i would find.

nerves maybe.
laugh when you're scared.
maybe.
maybe you have to mix it all up to get thru.
maybe you can't get thru without it.

maybe it's because it's all a mix.
maybe it's because it has to be a mix or we can't make it.

whatever it is......i am holding it in wonder today.
to be able to see beauty and delight in the middle of fear and anxiety......
reminds me that life is more full than we really even notice.