there are so many snippets running around in my head
that i will have to write them out over the next day or two.
is there a point to them?
i don't know.
maybe for me to sort.
and in my sorting maybe some stuff will be sifted out i can use.
all i know is this is what i'm filled with so this is what will be coming out.
i can't figure out why it made such a big impression on me that he looked
like a little creature hunched there.
but it did.
i keep repeating it.
like i need to say it.
like if i say it to the right person they'll hear what i mean
and they'll somehow say something that will make it all make sense to me.
and i hear myself say it again and again.
he's always been a small man.
but this wasn't even small.
it was almost like he was gone.
like something else had come in and traded bodies with him.
and was sitting there pretending to be him.
but it was too different.
it was a bad pretending.
it was obvious it wasn't him.
but it was.
and the gears jammed in my head.
i don't consider too many people to be homely.
i figure you can get to know anyone and they're beautiful.
he's always kinda pushed that homely edge tho.
and certain things have added to that aura.
his hands that get dark and purpley.
apparently because of frostbite he had gotten a million years ago.
the way he cocks his head and squints one eye.
things like that have added.
and now it all was topped off with a hunched up back.
the pain that just wouldn't let up, the fear of his life changing
and heading down the road to the end, and the thoughts that must have
been whirling around inside of him had him hunched on the side of the bed.
his head almost hitting the tray of food. his forehead almost laying right in
almost. but not quite.
and the first thought was that he didn't even look real.
he looked like a little creature.
what pain can do to us.
how it can change us so much so that we almost aren't there.
maybe that's why his looking like a little creature hunched on the side of
the bed won't leave me.......
it's in my face what pain can do to us.
i have no brilliant thought about that. i have no little easy 'let's change that'
kinda thing to do.......
i just have the observation so burned into my head this morning that
i just want to sit with it right now. and i want to think of people who are there.
heads almost laying in their food, but not quite. where picking the head
up any further is such work........
i want to hold them in my heart this morning.
and wrap them in love.
and right now.......that's all i got.