starting......

so a break from the blog doesn't mean a break from thinking...
and i've been keeping the whole darkness and light stuff floating around
inside of me. (see posts below)

the things i want to keep in mind and work with are my ability to face
dark stuff knowing it's part of life, and my belief in the light.

those are the two big things i want to strengthen.

and yeah, certain people in my life are symbols of darkness.
doesn't mean they're evil......just means they've chosen things in their
lives that block love....lies, denial, self absorbed behavior that harms.
stuff like that. and some of the choices have caused some heavy duty darkness.

so when they show up in my life, it's always something that affects me.

so there i was with all that on my mind, but certainly not mulling it a ton.
just letting it be there.

but you know, sometimes i think the universe likes me to work a little harder.
because the set up this weekend was incredible.

it all happened in a short span of time.
bam.
bam.
bam.

there was the first wobbly stuff. that made me feel kinda off.
the first little soft doubts of where i fit in the world began to whisper.
bam.

then there was a shot of darkness that hit me in the gut.
i was removed from it, so i didn't have to respond or do anything......
i just saw it and got sick. my stomach truly just turned with disgust.
bam.

and then there was a smack in the face reminder about how love does
not always heal, and darkness can win. bam.

so there i was, really feeling like i needed a break to just go cry, but holding
back the tears as it wasn't the time or the place when my real challenge arrived.

it arrived in the form of a person.

i was in a position that i didn't have to go face my real challenge.
i could just keep doing what i was doing and stay out of the way and well.......hide.

believe me, i considered it.
and i took my time stopping what i was doing and heading into the challenge.

but i did it.

at first, i would have told you i did good.
i was aware of what i was doing, i was aware of my actions, i was aware of my words.
i was watching and trying to just pay attention.

but after thinking about it, i know i have a ton of work to do yet as the way i do the
watching and awareness stuff  is by sliding the walls right up. and yes, yes, i really
do know we need to do that for protection. but i think there's different types of
wall sliding - and if i'm gonna put the walls up, i want to put them up the right way.
and i don't think i did.

cause somewhere in there, i put them up against myself too.
and that's something i definitely need to explore.

anyway......so i made it thru, felt like i kept my integrity and honesty and then that's when
the interesting stuff started to happen.

self doubt rolled in. the deep stuff.
where you're not sure of who you are or where you belong.
and......as it turns out.........where i doubted my light.

fascinating stuff, really.
as the way that i figure i am going to really handle the darkness of the world
is by concentrating on my light and believing in that.

and there i was, first real challenge of an encounter, and the first thing i do when
i'm alone is smash my belief in my own light. smash it right down and cover it up.

wow.

while it was no fun to be in that spot, it sure is an interesting thing to look at.
am i that good at sabotaging myself that i know just where to go and hit and
try to weaken? how in the world does that work?

i don't know.
but i saw it. i did it. and it was hard to be there.

so i figure what i gotta really work on is strengthening that belief in my own light.
that's where i gotta put some work. that........and learning how not to wall out
my own self and my own goodness..........and isn't that a whole topic all in itself?

so yeah......long roads to travel ahead....but my gosh, what amazing roads.
can you imagine growing this stuff and really working with it?

it's really kinda awesome........
so here i stand, looking down the road, knowing i want to go down it,
wishing i had a map, and thinking it's too late to go find the visitor's center.
i just need to start......

and so....i start........