using it for fuel

her mom passed away a few weeks ago.
she herself is a woman in her sixties.
her past is one that you could make a movie about.
a really sad icky movie.
one i wouldn't be able to sit thru and watch......
she's lived.

she's trusted me with many of the stories.
some i can't think of without feeling sick.
she lives with those memories.

and now.......she's gotta face some stuff she's been putting off facing.

i've been doin' the check in calls.
and while we've shared some tears, we haven't hit the real stuff.

until last nite.

we finally hit on some stuff i knew would have to come out.

it moved me deeply to begin walking thru it with her.
i was steady and gentle thru the call.
and then when i got off, and was alone, i just wanted to
dissolve into a heap of tears.

i was so sad.
here was another person who could not believe she was worth loving.

it is so deep a feeling, and it runs thru every vein, even when we don't know it.

i thought of her, where she was at, and thought there was a pretty darn
big chance that she'd never figure it out. that she'd never know how
worthy she was.

it made me think of another person i know who has got to carry around
the same stuff....but the difference is.....i don't think she realizes it. her tool
of choice is denial.

so many different ways we carry this deep deep thing with us.
i know so many.

i've been on the list myself.
i think i've made it off that list, but am probably on some other list.
maybe a list of 'wobbly but getting there - still falls in that mud from time to time' list.

i honestly think that learning to love bob, and learning to be loved back by him,
has changed/is changing some deep stuff inside of me.

and i wondered about that.
do we need to learn to love someone and learn to be loved back to heal those wounds?
i have no idea.
maybe it's just one avenue to healing.

but i know those voices we carry inside us have such power because we somehow
let them have it.

and i know that's way easy to say. and tremendously difficult and painful to
try to change.

but my gosh, what other choice do we have?
do we live an entire life believing that garbage and then die having never known
our value?

if we don't know our value can we love ourselves?
and if we can't love ourselves can we REALLY love another?
and if we can't really love, can we really live?

last nite i was sad and heavy with the sound of her voice.
this morning i'm on fire with it.
i can be there for her, and love her, and remind her of that.
but i can't make her see.
all i can really change is me.
i've got work to do.
i want to grow.
i want to really really live.
and my gosh, it's truly truly up to me to let those voices go.
and to see that light inside me i keep talking about.

somehow that incredible sadness in her voice is the fuel in my heart today.