Wednesday, October 31, 2012

a good day for fears

it's halloween!
a perfect day to think about fears!

last nite the coolest thing happened.....
the fears inside me rumbled and jumbled and woke on up.
wow...they were havin' a whole party.

and i knew why!
and i knew they were ignited because of past stuff!
and i knew that they were over the top and i didn't need them!

but still...i had them.
just cause i knew all that didn't mean they went away.

and as i told him about them, i could see the two parts of me.

there was the part that's so taken with the idea of 'acceptance.'
that part was there with it's big printout with the word ACCEPT,
waving it around up and down.

and then there were the fears.
they felt like kids i just woke up in the middle of the nite who weren't
happy and were overly dramatic.

me and him have been thru a lot together.
a whole lot.
and some of it has been really really hard.
i think it would be a bit dramatic to say 'traumatic' -
but sometimes inside that feels close to the right word.

and if that stuff even threatens to come back,
or if it gets all stirred and touched on -
my fears leap right on up.
i know that. it's obvious.
and yet, i can't control that.
it just happens.

so yeah, there was the threat, and there was the leap of fears.

and there was the recognizing of them. the seeing them. looking at them.
understanding why they were there. and then telling him!

all of that stuff takes a ton of power out of them.
so much power that they can't get between us.
which is an awesome thing.

but they're stubborn things, aren't they?
i still feel their threads all in me this morning.
i can still feel them in all the corners of me.

but now........since they're not as powerful, i think i can play with the
whole 'acceptance' theme.

i honestly think i'll be beating that theme to death here.
cause i feel like i just woke up to that for the first time ever.
really woke up to it.

and it feels so power filled.
to stand there and say 'okay. this is the way it is. now what?'

it feels so strong and real and honest.

and this feels like my fears are the sheet in the shape of
a ghost - pretending to be scary. walkin' around moaning a perfect 'boooooo'
but underneath? perhaps just a kid looking for candy. nothing scary at all.
just a part of me that's looking for something sweet.

1 comment:

Dan McGaffin said...

Just sick little Terri on him!

Sending you a hug from PA.