Wednesday, October 10, 2012

missing her

ah, the things that bring her back.....

today's quote of the day was written about her years ago.....

'you have taught me the strength of tenderness.'

i can't read that quote without feeling her in my heart.

i bump into her picture on fb...

i look at the  celebratory glasses that used to be hers
and are now in the corner cupboard in my kitchen...
i have yet to use them.
can't quite get that far.
but i look at them every day.

something someone will say...

a color...

ah, the things that bring her back....

i saw the quote this morning and wanted to do the blog in her honor.

but what do you do? what do you say?

i can tell you all about her.
but it still won't capture the her i knew.
and you can tell me all about your people you've lost.

and while we should do that, i think.....
i think it helps and it's a good thing.....

it doesn't feel right this morning.

again, i am filled with wanting to DO something in memory of that
lovely woman......who had such a little girl inside her.....

and for the millionth time i turn to the bone sigh 'honoring you'

it's the top piece of art listed on the side here. i feel like i've typed
it out in the blog so much, no one needs it again.

but the idea......i need to be reminded all the time -
to carry her inside the beauty that is truly inside me.
to be all i can be.
to open into all that beauty.
and to do that in her honor and somehow to carry her
in there with me.

to do that, you have to believe that beauty is inside you.
that it's part of you.

lately, i've been running into people who really really don't
believe that. who i can't even say  that they 'struggle with it'..
because that would imply they believe it and are trying to get there.
they can't even get to the point of believing it.

and it's moments like this i want to scream 'stop! look!
really see! it's in you! and it matters!'

why do i want to scream it out sometimes???
why do i think it matters for people to see it?
cause maybe i think that's our hunk of god.
and maybe i think living with our hunk, and workin' to uncover it,
dust it off, shine it.......that part......that part is living our beauty.

and somehow.......and i don't even really know what i mean....
but somehow that's how we carry those we've lost.
in that.

in the hunk of god.

i guess we carry everything in there, huh?

so it doesn't just matter to the person for themselves to see it.
somehow it matters to us all.

and no, i haven't a clue how that works or what that really means.
it's just a vague feeling that gets real strong sometimes.

and it's strong enough this morning,
that in honor of someone i loved who is no longer here,
i'm trying my best to shout it out to remember your beauty,

i'll be doin' my own remembering today.

so that i can carry her inside that beauty.
because i know, without understanding how at all, that she's in that.

she, who taught me the strength of tenderness,
will continue to grow me, and help me remember to keep
uncovering my beauty and living in the space of that light.

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