thoughts on beauty

the other day, i was hit with a wave of grief, and thought of the bone sigh
called 'honoring you.'

“weeping and aching,
i longed to honor your passing.
i longed to honor your life.
searching everywhere,
i found only one answer. 
honor myself.
become all that i am.and carry youinside that beauty.”

and so the conversation about 'beauty' came up.
in writing a response to a friend over on the forum, on what i think beauty is,
i realized what the amazing people who have come thru bone sigh arts
have taught me.

it's not JUST all the things we immediately think of -

you know - someone's generous spirit, or someone's ability
to listen thoughtfully, or someone's inclusiveness...or whatever we
see that we think is beauty.

here's what i ended up writing in response to my friend -

_______


i think i used to think beauty was just the good stuff, like you mentioned, 
but i don't think so anymore.

beauty is having those jealous feelings you talk about and working past them.
that's beauty.

we're always gonna have all those 'negative' things...

beauty is getting really angry then stopping yourself and saying 'okay, what
exactly is this about?' and figurin' it out and acting from that spot.

it's not having no negative -

it's working with the negative to become more.

beauty is our strength to do that.

beauty is saying 'i was hurt, i was hurt bad, i was treated like no one should be
treated, and i couldn't figure it out. i didn't understand.' and then moving towards
health and saying 'i know i'm worth more than that and i'll move in that direction.'
it's the movement in spite of the awful hurt. in spite of the doubts.

it's not even 'making it' to the destination and then being beauty.
it's the crawling in the mud to get there....
that's beauty.

yeah. as i type this out i see my view on beauty's grown a bit.

and the people's stories thru bone sigh arts has shown me what real beauty is.

honestly.

_______

i have watched beauty goin' on in my email box for years and years
now.

i saw it soooooo brilliantly light up my screen this morning, that i
cried.  it wasn't something all nice and pretty. it was a rough story
with a friend speaking from her heart and offering love. even as
her heart was breaking. (yes, b, that's you)

i see it in the stories that are filled with such such pain. stuff i wonder
how someone will ever get thru, and then they reach out. maybe in
the smallest way. but that reach out.

that's soooo beautiful.

i've finally finally come to understand that the grit and the grime
are always gonna be with us.....but it's in that dark, that i've seen
such glorious beauty.

so even if you think you're not 'whole' or you're too full of self dobut,
or everything that happened to you must be your fault and you
can't have value.....that's all big big stuff to feel......but what i see
on this end, is the beauty of you moving thru that, the beauty of
you reaching for life in spite of that. THAT is the beauty that is you.

that's the beauty that we truly honor each other in.

and it's no small thing by any means.

and i gotta tell ya, i needed to remember that.
i really really did.

thank you for teaching me all that you've taught me.