Monday, November 5, 2012

gettin' over a bad case of the wobbles...

it was odd how it started.

i was walking.
my sons had to told me about a convicted sex offender up the street.
i thought of it as i walked,
and that got me thinking about when i was a kid and when i was molested.

funny how that stuff will surface.
and it did.
in one of those not good ways.

and then, i honestly don't know.....
i don't know if the kid part of me got shaky and insecure or what.
but one thing led to another, and by friday afternoon, i had one of those
mini meltdowns with the tears and the whole bit. the world just
seemed to overwhelm me.

and i genuinely think that it started that morning on the walk.
which in a way, is cool to track back and see.

i've been watching.
the insecurities come up and then man, the fears plow in.
whew.

i'd get steady, then wobbly, then steady and tell myself it's okay,
it will pass, then wobbly.

and then, with the amazing grace that is part of my life,
certain messages came in that tugged at me and reminded me of what
i want out of life and what i want to do with my life.

on top of that, my incredible sons gently nudged me and reminded me i wasn't a victim.

honestly, how cool is that?!

i'm not a victim and i can work on how i react and what i do here.

i was feeling overwhelmed.
incapable.
insecure.
that kinda stuff.

and i can see clearly how feeling insecure and all those darn memories
and other memories brought out the 'no control' feelings.....the feelings
of being a victim.

my sons nailed it right away.
and i shake my head in wonder that i have such amazing guys in my life!
they not only nailed it, they could tell me in a way i could hear.
pretty awesome stuff right there.

so, ter, take it one step at a time.
look at each piece.
handle each piece one at a time.
you can do that.

look at what you're doing.
why you're doing it.
and do it.
one step at a time.

and........and...........and..........be aware of the little girl inside of you.
because she needs attention.
some reassurance.
cause when that stuff comes up,
part of me can't figure out my value.

and i think that was at the core of my wobbles this weekend......

if you can't figure out your value, if you lose faith in that.......
you wobble around and feel out of control.
and you do become a victim, don't you?

that's some good stuff to hold as i head into a new week.

the knowing it's up to me.
and i'm not a victim.




2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Totally identifying with you Ter~ Beautifully written, tears in my eyes, love you dearly, thank you for your honesty.
K.

☼Illuminary☼ said...

nor are you powerless...
~smile~
I loved this...