livid

it's funny.
it's not often i get 'livid.'
but i think livid was lurking in me and just needed to come out.

and well........it did.
and i let it out.
yeah.
i did.

coulda been worse.
coulda been way worse.

it was controlled livid.

but i needed to step outside to cool down.

i had pulled out the window box planters the day before.
planted some pansies and had left them in the yard along with
a couple other pots of pansies that go on the porch.

i went outside and popped those babies back where they belonged.

ever notice how strong you are when you're livid?
wow.
i coulda moved the whole house.

i fixed my front door that needed fixing. it's been needing fixing for days.
wasn't til i was livid that i had the energy to just take care of that thing.

livid can come in handy.

and as i was fixing it, i started to laugh.
a soft amused little laugh.

'what did you expect, little girl?' i asked myself with a smile.

and i laughed.

a good sorta laugh.

a knowing sorta laugh.

why is it that just because i know something needs to change, i try to force it to change?
and then i get mad when it doesn't change? not just mad. but livid?

i gotta laugh.

so many times my anger could be avoided if i'd just accept what was really there.
just know it. and leave it.

why in the world would i be livid for something/someone being what it/they always were?
for staying true to the pattern?

and honest to pete, this is something i do.

suppose you know someone who steals all the time.
you invite them over saying this time they won't steal from me.
and then they steal from you.
and you get livid.

well........like.....hello.

what did you expect?
this is what it is.
don't invite a thief to your house.

just cause you want something to be different doesn't mean it is.
you silly goose.

and i truly truly am amused at myself.
i'm not mad at me. i don't even think i can be all that livid anymore.

it's almost funny.
not quite.
but almost.

i want something changed.
and it's not.

then you know what? i gotta learn what to leave be.

i just learned.
yet again.