Wednesday, November 21, 2012

ohmygosh!

wow, i tell ya....a lotta life has been swirling around me.
a lotta life, a lotta death, a lotta gratitude, a lotta pain, a lotta
feeling connected, a lotta feeling disconnected.

a whole heck of a lotta life.

so when i looked up from work and realized thanksgiving was here at
my house this year and i should actually make it look festive, i was surprised.
oh yeah!
let me do that!

the guys were working, there was music coming from their direction,
but it was mostly quiet.

i had finished up all the stuff i needed to do with my own work,
and could now just putter in the kitchen.

the guys and i make the meal together on thanksgiving day.
best idea i ever had in my life.
it's always such fun, it's so easy, and it's great family time together.

so puttering in the kitchen, making the tables festive, workin' on a few
goodies here and there was nothing but a joy.

there was no pressure at all.
anything i did was to add to the fun.

it's been a few years since i've had the holiday here at my house.
it was as if i'd forgotten how to make thanksgiving happen!
hard to believe after all those years of doing it.
i laughed.

hmmmmmmm.........we gotta make this place festive.
tablecloths! i need tablecloths!
i rounded up the christmas tablecloths.
close enough.
i need some nice plates.
ah! the snowman plates!
i pulled out the 'winter' plates with the snowmen on them.

and then i looked at the festive glasses in the cupboard.
they were my sister in law's. i was given them when she passed.
i wondered if i'd ever be able to use them.
at first i had trouble even looking at them.
but now....
i looked at them and thought 'it's time. i'd like her here with us.'

and i pulled them out with a smile.
i checked with the guys to make sure they'd be okay with it.
they were.
deal.
she's with us.

i picked out all the best of the stuff i had to put on the table.
and started placing it out carefully.

i set a place for my guy, right next to me.
'i just want to be near him' i thought.
i pictured sitting there talking, resting my hand on his knee,
leaning in to his shoulders when i laughed.
it seemed like forever since he's been around.
and this is the first thanksgiving he'd really really really be with us.
my heart just filled.

i put candles in the middle of the table,
set the utensils out.

and then......it hit me.
for the first time in my whole life.
for the first thanksgiving ever in my 51 years......

i understood.
i really really understood.

i was setting the table to welcome gratitude in.

it wasn't setting the table for ANYONE  - it was for GRATITUDE.
it was a way to honor gratitude. it was a way to welcome it in.
it was a way to celebrate it.

i totally and completely understood what thanksgiving was.
it filled me as i leaned over my table.

all those past thanksgivings.......all the strings that always get tangled
in thanksgiving.....they were always there. family stuff, pressure stuff,
divorce stuff, trying to make it okay stuff.....all the strings....always there.
even the last few years that were so good......there was missing bob stuff.
there was other family stuff. even thru the good stuff, there were still strings
tangled for me.

but this time.....

they weren't there.
they just weren't there.

i don't know if it's cause of the way it's all approached so fast and there's
been so much else goin' on.......or if i've healed enough, or if it's cause bob
will be here.....or just a bit of all of that....

but they aren't here!
and somehow that opened the door for me to see.

of course i knew thanksgiving was about gratitude.
of course i knew it was a day to be thankful.

but  i didn't know it was more than that.

it almost felt like there was a 'ghost of gratitude'........a SPIRIT of gratitude
that i was welcoming to my table, welcoming to my kitchen, to my home....
to my heart.

no. not almost.
totally.

that's totally what it feels like.

how awesome is that?!

how much is there to this living stuff that i just don't even know about?!
it's so cool to bump into these things i just didn't even realize!

and so i post this tonite - the nite before thanksgiving - as my thanksgiving post.
tomorrow i want to spend with my family.....and with the spirit of gratitude floating
around my house.

and as i finish this up, i glance up at the kitchen. where i see one of my sons
staring to make a pie.....

i think that ol' spirit of gratitude and i need to do a little dance tonite.....
it's gonna be one good holiday!


3 comments:

AkasaWolfSong said...

With a Sisterly hug I whisper in your ear...
"Beautiful, just beautiful!"

I'm so grateful this year as well, for all of it, the big and the small and the in-between.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

terri said...

sendin' you a hug, woman!!!
happy thanksgiving!

Dan McGaffin said...

Wow sis. So beautiful.