tears

it was dark, and once again i was walking across that darn dark parking lot.
i hated doing that.
at least this time it was early and not two in the morning, like before.
but it was dark, and i had to park way down the way.
i avoid dark parking lots like the plague.
and here i was, walking across them way too often now.
i hurried to the car,
hopped in,
locked the door.
and that's when i finally finally felt like i was going to lose it.

the tears came to my eyes.

for the first time since the nite over a week ago since this had all happened.
the tears welled right up.

way back then, on that first nite, i held back the tears, so scared and not
knowing what was going on. shaking and trying hard to stand up and pay attention.

and then, when they had said it was 'just' a kidney stone, the tears came in relief.

who knew how hard the week would be for him.
who know how many hospital runs and how long it would all take.
but still, in the back of my head, relief that it wasn't 'serious.'

i had thought of my friend, mary, many times during the week.
she had been a caretaker for years.
caring first for her mom, and then later for her dad.
all thru their journeys to their passings.

never before had she looked so strong to me.
every time i thought of her, i thought of how incredibly strong she had to be.
she'd appear to me like a darn super hero as i'd drive and think of her.
and i felt like a darn weakling in comparison.

this was nothing.
and yet i felt every feeling there was to feel.......the stress was high in me.
trying to keep the business goin' smoothly, tyrin' to think of everything,
trying to stay healthy after getting sick in the middle of it all, i felt stress,
worry, fatigue....all that stuff......but no tears all week. just tense stuff.
wired stuff. or exhausted stuff.

which is odd as i'm a tear person. that's where i go first.
but i had tucked them away. and hadn't shed any.

it wasn't until i got in the car that i was ready to completely lose it.
and i could feel the tears ready to pour out of me.

and i knew knew knew knew it was time and i needed to do that.

altho.
not yet.

i still had the drive home in the dark.
it takes all the concentration i have to drive at nite in the dark.
so i told those tears welling in my eyes they'd just have to wait til i got home.
and THEN they could just pour on out. (the guys tell me that's the german in me)

i wanted to put up being a responsible adult, and just sit and cry like a little kid.

i saw zakk when i first came in. 'all good?' he asked. 'yep.' i answered.
a few quick words where i avoided looking at him and he went back to work.

then i saw noah. and my lip curled under like a little kid's and the tears came.
zakk heard noah's 'what's wrong???' and he came in. i glanced at him sheepishly.
i tried....i really did try to be okay.

i told them i just needed to fall apart.

and whoever raised these guys did a few things right cause they encouraged that
and said i needed a good cry. they were fine with it.

i'll just check my messages first, and then i'll go cry in the shower, i told myself.

and there.
sitting in my messages is a note from my newly adopted little brother.
telling me he knew how much the symbolism of a candle meant to me,
and how he knew i wanted to be one for other people, and so he lit one for me.

he lit one for me and thought of me.

and THAT'S when i lost it.

i started crying.
and just let it flow.

tears.
clarissa says 'tears are a river that take you somewhere.'

i think when i can't cry them, i'm locking part of me out.

finally finally i let the tears wash me home to where i needed to be.