Tuesday, December 11, 2012

a pretty cool flow

there's been a struggle lately that took a lot of the stuffing outta me.

it's had to do with people stealing my work.
and my trying to deal with that.

it's hit me really deeply.

there's different approaches on how to handle it, ya know?
i feel like i've tried them all.
and they've each been a struggle in their own way.

i think it's hit so deeply because i've had to try to figure out who i want to be
and how i want to be. and i'm not taking that lightly. in fact, i've been taking
it very deeply into my heart.

and honestly, it's been a lesson in hard knocks here. i haven't aced the test
by any means.

and i haven't been able to fully talk about it.
to anyone.
that's how deep it's been.
the deeper it is, the quieter i get.
this one's been silent inside of me.
wrestling with all i had.

i've been awake at nite thinking about it.
i've spent a lot of time during the days thinking about it.

and i think i finally got somewhere with it and how i want to handle it and who i want
to be thru it all.

(doesn't mean i have this down by any means, and yes, i have a nasty person out there
who will test my limits and teach me more than i ever really wanted to learn. but i'm in
for the game. i want to learn.)

and as i was coming out of the hard part of the struggle,
as i was feeling like i could grasp some of the lessons,
as i began to feel like even tho this has knocked me flat, it's been worth it,
an angel came thru.

she came thru and asked me if she could use my quote.
she actually ASKED.
she told me a friend had shared a link with the quote from a site that was selling it,
and had asked her to make it for them.
this woman who was asked noticed there was no credit to an author,
so she checked around, found my site, read the terms of use,
realized it wasn't something that should be sold elsewhere, and asked me about it.

sometimes moments like this make me wonder how i can doubt the timing and magic
of the universe. honest to pete.

there she was.
kind of like a reward for my starting to grasp the lessons.
she was like my little gold star on my first string of thoughts of what i've learned so far.
she was definitely a breath of fresh air.

and i wrote and told her.
i told her she couldn't sell it.
but i explained what was up.
and she wrote back.

she told me i was a beautiful person.

and i think because of that, i wrote her the whole story.
of what i had been wrestling with.
cause i wasn't a beautiful person.
i wanted to punch this woman who stole my work in the face.
i really did.

and i knew that i wasn't a beautiful person. (not with this anyway)
(sometimes i am)
(but that's the point. that's been my struggle.)
and i wanted to set her straight.
and i wanted her to know my heart.

and somehow i musta needed to pour it out a bit.
cause i did.
it was definitely more than anyone needed to know who just came thru to ask
permission to use a quote.

but it didn't scare her away.
she came back.
and we decided we wanted to be friends.

and she told me about herself.

and i read her note and sat with tears in my eyes.
she deals with more every day than i've ever dealt with in a lifetime.

you know that whole thought of you can't compare struggles?
insert raspberry noise here.
i don't care what anyone says about that........sometimes you just have to.
her's are off the charts. and mine don't rank.

yeah, i know i know.
my struggles are valid.
but i tell ya what........they're so small.

they're so small.
it's true.
and i'm okay with saying that.

and this angel, my new friend, reminded me of that without even knowing it.

and she reminded me of all the good people that there are in this world.
people who struggle so deeply and yet have such beautiful hearts.
people that make the world better by just being in it.

people that energize, not deflate.

the woman who did the stealing, did more than stealing.
she colored my world for a bit here.
tarnished my belief in people.
that kinda thing.

and that's the worst cost of the whole darn thing.
but i guess it's been part of the lesson.

and it makes me smile to think it's because of her that my new friend showed up.

what could be better than that?

and yeah, it makes me love the flow of the universe so much.
i know i'm not done with this. that i need to learn more.
but i think i've got my footing now.
along with a new friend.
who can remind me to put it all in perspective.

sometimes i really like the way this all flows.

(now. please don't take away from this a need to leave a comment about the stealing.
that's not the point here, and yes, i'm working hard on stopping that kinda thing. so
no worries there. that's not the point so don't be confused. if that's what you got,
maybe read it again.......because it's not the stealing that i want to put out here.....
in fact, i hesitate to put it out. but it's part of the story, so i did. but the message
i intended here is that lessons are hard sometimes, but i think worth it. and somehow....it's
the weirdest thing.....there's magic along the way.......and new friends to be found.
THAT'S what i really want to hold today. if we REALLY know that, what a difference
it will make......for me, anyway. and that's what i need to get here.)

1 comment:

AkasaWolfSong said...

Angels come in when we least expect them to.

This struggle, this lesson is gonna be filled with star stuff before it is over with...I can feel it comin' down the road Sweet Sister! :)

I'm so happy this Angel came through for you! An Earth Angel to be sure!