the world that she sees

i woke up from ghosts haunting me.

tried to shake it from my body, knowing they were gonna haunt me until
i let them go.

sigh.
they were hard to shake this morning.

i did the few work things i had to do, then headed straight for the treadmill.

by now i was feeling that 'on the brink of insanity' feeling i get sometimes.

i had thought about the treadmill and my walks.
thought i'd try to figure out how to get the same inner work goin' on the
treadmill as i did on my walks. wasn't positive i could do it, but sure
thought it was worth a try.

well, now's the time to give it a whirl, i thought.
and i hopped on there, rarin' to go.

i have a little window right over the treadmill. it's small, you can't see much.
but there's a tree out there i look at a lot.
i can see a goddess in the tree.
she's skinny. real skinny. got these skinny little arms she
lifts up to the sky. and i love those arms.

i saw her out there.
i watched her reaching up in the dark, surrounded by fog.

and i thought 'yeah, i know that feeling. boy, do i know that feeling.'

i was walkin' to the most rockin' christmas music i had.
figured that would help the mood.
it got me thinking about christmas.

i had tried the day before to do stuff that felt holidayish to me.
i purposely stayed away from work.
i had some time all to myself and i ended up cooking.
it keeps surprising me that i go to cooking sometimes for just
feeling comfort. i had the holiday music on and i was dancing around
and just embracing it all.

i've been wanting to enjoy the season this year, so have been purposely
focusing on the music and the festive things and trying to enjoy that place.

but as i moved along the treadmill, all the deeper stuff about the holiday
started washin' all over me.

for the first time.
up until then it had been about baking cookies or sitting by the tree.

but now i started thinking about the light in the darkness.
the hope.
even the angels.
can't say i'm much of a believer in angels.....but i sure do like the idea of them.
i sure wouldn't mind if they were out there.

i thought of stars and how they're such a symbol for me.
and as i went along, i started visualizing all the fear inside of me.
and i started grabbing it out of me in handfuls.

i'd grab a handful of fear and toss it down.
it'd fall on the ground in sparks.

i thought of how fear had its own energy.
like stars.
but not at all like stars.
cold burning.
not hot burning.
not life inspiring.
life taking.

over and over i grabbed the fear outta me.
at this point i had some song on that was just goin' to town and i was movin'
right along with it. tossin' that fear down, sparks everywhere.

then i started grabbin' up to the sky and yanking stars in.
i couldn't get enough of them.
and the beauty was, there was more than enough to grab.
i could just grab until i felt full.

i did.

and walked faster and faster.

and still felt the fear.

so i did another round of fear throwing, ground sparking, tossin' that gunk outta me.
and another round of pullin' those stars inside me.

when i finished doing this, i thought of that insanity of mine.
there are times i feel on the brink of it.
and it feels scary.
but i thought of how it always moves me.
it moves me deeper into where i need to go.

and i thought of how i'm learning a whole lot right now.
it's been one heck of a dunk into life lessons.
but i can see i'm getting some of them.
i'm truly learning.

and it's an okay thing.

my head was down.
i was walkin' fast.
i was feelin' like i was starting to see beyond me.
and into what mattered.
and that i was finding the meaning of the season.

when i heard a line the singer sang -
'the world that she sees...'

my head lifted right up and i looked out the window.
the skinny little goddess in my tree had her arms up
to a lit up morning.
there was light.
there was beauty.
there was hope.