christmas

i wonder if i say this every year?

it was the best christmas i ever had.

i'm thinking i don't say that every year....but even if i do,
maybe they get better and better.

this one had a lot of potential to not go so good.

it had so much heaviness all around it.
and i had my own personal stuff goin' on that didn't feel good.
i just had no idea how i'd feel by the time i crawled into bed christmas nite.

and i tell ya, i just didn't think it could have been any better.

i could feel the depths of what it was all about so clearly as
i celebrated christmas eve and christmas.

i think because of everything that was going on around me and
in me, i had to go deeper. i was kinda forced to. some top layer
stuff had to be stripped away to get thru it, and while it didn't
feel good to get there, it sure felt good to be there.

thru every bit of it there was love and hope and light.

the presents were fewer. and while the gratitude is always full
and there with my sons, it felt even deeper this year.
i wasn't sure i'd enjoy the present opening part....
and i don't think i ever enjoyed it as much as i did this year.

there were the moments like my guy hanging up some kitchen baskets
for me. seriously, how could that be wonderful? and yet it was.
the joking around, the idea that he wanted to get it right for me,
the extra he had to do to make it right. the interrupting him just to play.
the plain ol' having of him there. working around him and nudging him.

there was the making dinner together, and teasing noah thru it.
tickling myself to no end, and laughing and clapping because i had
done so.

the eating, the talking, the toasting, the remembering, the dreaming, the sharing.
we do it well together.

and there was the game.
oh the game.
it was some dopey silly card game i had gotten for just this occasion.
who knew that it would trip zakk up in a way that had us all doubled
over with laughter. and when i looked over at my guy pounding the
table with both hands and laughing so hard, and then over at zakk
with his head thrown back in laughter, i don't think i could have
been any happier.

no. i don't say it was the best christmas ever every year.
i know i don't.
because a whole lot of them have been way hard.

and what's weird is this one was way hard to get to.
the lead up to it was way hard.
and somehow, i honestly believe because of that,
because of the work i had to do to get thru the way hard,
because of some of the stuff i had to sit with and hold,
somehow, and i really don't know how......
something about the being forced to dig deep and see what
matters for real......and having what matters for real right there
with me...

it made the light shine in such a deep way this year.