she musta just finished reading my email and picked up the phone.
i was at my desk. i looked over at the caller id.
saw her name and immediately started crying.
what the heck is that???
i wasn't crying at that moment.
but i saw her name and bam.
not being able to hide?
i do this kinda thing......
i'm holdin' it together, then someone shows up - all they have to do
is appear! - and bam.
i lose it.
and i thought 'oh man, i'm just gonna cry all over her.
i can't pick up that phone.'
but i was sitting right there...i HAD to.
and yeah, i'm not even sure she recognized my voice thru the
tears and trying not to have them....i sounded a bit strange.
she was right there.
and we talked a little bit about it.
but you know what happened?
she ended up telling me a funny story about something that happened to her.
altho, when she was going thru it, it wasn't funny to anyone.
and it still really isn't.
and the way she told it.....
and i think i totally needed a laugh.
cause i started laughing.
and i kept laughing. it felt good. it really did.
life has been outta control for her and she's taken to trying to joke about it.
and so we did.
i hung up feeling better.
josh called a little bit later. he knew i was down about some stuff.
and i was tryin' to hold it together once again.
i did much better and didn't even tear up. but you could still hear stuff
in my voice.
he assured me it was good to let things out.
that bottling them up wasn't any good.
and he imitated people who did that.
then he said it's like trees in the wind.
they bend real well in the wind. but they don't break.
that's the same as letting it all out, he told me.
and then as a side note he said 'the wind doesn't care if you bend or not,
it just keeps going.'
i thought that was kinda a cool thought.
and then later i came down to a message on my answering machine.
a friend wrote a haiku and read it to me over the machine.
i stood there and listened and grinned.
turning to my email i found a poem written for me from my adopted
man, i just can't get over the people i have in my life.
yeah, there's been some real stinkers lately that i've been trying to deal with......
but they don't even come close to these bright stars in my life.
they just don't even come close.
there's sadness about what life brings sometimes, there's frustration at the lack
of control and power over any of it, there's fear. oh my, there's fear.
and......there's this amazing amazing amazing thing mixed in it all -
the love in my life. it's soooooo present. it's so so so present.
i stepped into it and let it just be there with me.
just be there with me.