Wednesday, December 5, 2012

root causes of these melty feelings

there must be some psychology term for it -

the stuff that's really heavy and weighing on you,
you walk thru like you're fine.
then other stuff comes and distracts you and you take
your anger and frustration out there.
but that's not really what the anger's about.

and then.......when something finally happens to make you
melt down, you don't even realize all that's behind the melt down.


probably is a term for that.

altho, this time, i see what all's behind it.

it's not the smaller things......
they're just reminders to me that life isn't fair.

and it's that not fairness that's got my goat real good right now.

the complete powerlessness i have and how i watch
devastating stuff happen and that's all i can do - watch.
over and over again.
maybe this is what happens by the time you hit your 50's.

so when i watch the smaller things i have no power over happen,
i focus there and react.

did i say i'm back to my walks?
did i say i was finally getting back to that deep spot where i go
when i walk?

probably not.

i was at the end of my walk, up on the busy road, when a car slowed
down and pulled over just ahead of me. i saw the DC plates (which around
here is just not good news) and i immediately did an about face, pulled
out my cell phone and started dialing a son while i walked quickly away.

the car pulled off.

that was it.

heck, they coulda been asking for directions.
but you know what? i really doubt it.

and that did it for me.
it threatened my walk.

i stopped cause of creepy people.
and they reminded me of why i stopped.

i have no idea what i'm gonna do.
i feel like i can't lose myself in my walks if i gotta watch for creeps
all the time. and how many creeps is it gonna take for me to learn?
do i need a real dangerous interaction with a creep to stop?

and so i came in and cried.
put my head in my hands and cried.

and then took care of some business that's bugging me,
felt the anger and frustration and knew it was about way bigger things.

got on my treadmill and walked and walked.

life isn't fair, ter.
all the way around.
it's not.

it is what it is.

it's how you deal with that that's gonna make the difference for you.

things are taken away. they change.

that's different than saying 'things are taken away from me.'

in the last few days, the theme of things being taken has
repeated over and over and over again.

and i've been struggling.
but you know....i don't think i'm looking at it quite right.
i'm taking it all personally.

instead of looking at it as life changes, i'm looking at it is things
are taken from me.

even in the midst of a melt down, i can see that's not real helpful.

life isn't fair.
and bad things happen.
and the truth is, i'm still reeling over something bad that happened
to someone and it's leaking out everywhere else.
and i'm turning it around and making myself a victim.

i can see it.
maybe that will help me with what i do next.

i have no idea.
but i'm thinking it's gonna involve a lot of treadmill time....

1 comment:

Zenchick said...

(the word is "displacement")

sending you {hugs}

I know it may not feel this way when you are the one in it, but your willingness to BE with all of this mess is beautiful.