thoughts

it was the first day in well over a month that i felt really really good.
'back to my ol' self,' i thought.
and it felt marvelous.

and then i read the news.
the school shooting.

and i had all the reactions we all have.

i couldn't believe it.
i felt sick.
i didn't want to hold it.

i put it down.
walked away.
wasn't sure what to do.

i went to fill an order.
quietly wrapping it up, i thought about what had happened.

and to be honest, i just didn't want to hold it.
i finally finally felt good.
holding even a tiny bit of that suffering seemed like it would topple me.

i went to write something down on my calender.
time flies for me.
i'm always surprised how fast.

'wow, just another full week before christmas,' i thought.

and then it hit me.
and i couldn't stop it.

all those families.
who's lives just got changed forever.
all those kids who won't see christmas.

i went back to filling orders and thinking about it.
i wanted to hold it.
how could i not?
i wanted to  hold all those people in my heart.

one of my sons walked in.
we talked briefly and quietly of what had happened.

it's so hard to talk about.

he left and i continued on.
i thought of what it'd be like to be one of those parents today.
i thought of how i would have bought all the presents by now,
and probably had most of them wrapped.
toys wrapped and waiting.

i wondered how on earth they could ever face christmas morning.
and what if there's siblings?
of course there are siblings.
how do you face it all with them?

how do you go on?

i finished up what i was doing, gathered some paperwork and my laptop
and went over to where my sons were working.

zakk looked at me.
i never work where they are.
i work in my studio.

'i just want to be nearby.' i said.
he immediately understood and nodded quietly.
he knew without me telling him.

i sat for a little bit and watched them work.
the were talking together.
noah standing behind zakk, working over his shoulder as they
tried to figure something out.

i looked at how big they were, and yet still so young.
how they're just starting out.
and i thought of those kids today.

the tears welled up.

there are no words for tragedies like this.
there are no words.

every time i see a christmas light, every time i wrap a present,
every time i grab a cookie....i'll be thinking of those families
who have no idea how they're going to go on now.

i have always loved the christmas season.
always loved the light in the darkness.

it seems like such a dim dim light right now.
and i wonder how on earth to make it brighter....