Sunday, December 16, 2012

morning thoughts

i have trouble talking about it.
for so many different reasons.
and so i don't.

i debated with myself on writing this particular post.
and then i asked myself what was the point of this blog?

the answer is what it's been all along -
to share the journey of trying to learn to live in this world and still find my way
to having an open heart.

and so, i decided to go ahead and type this.

the school shooting hasn't left my mind from the moment i heard about it.
i've tried to quietly hold it in my own way and i've been struggling with how
to do that. how to even get close to it in my head and still stand.
i get close, but i can't seem to really do it.
it's just so overwhelming.

when i saw the first NRA post on facebook, i cringed.

i know i'm real sensitive right now and that there's just about nothing anyone
can say that helps. and so i just shook it off as my raw nerves.

and then i saw another. and another. and another. and another. and another.

because of that, i have spent a long time thinking about it.

to be clear - i am no NRA fan.
to be clearer - i have no facts that i can back up those feelings with.

i was raised in a liberal democrat family. i am registered an independent.
i consider myself liberal. i lean towards anti-war/anti-killing and yet never
have figured out how that answers things like what you do when you've
got a hitler to deal with. i'm a vegetarian. i even hate to kill ants.

i have vague ideas that wouldn't work in a real world and i'm so glad i'll
never ever be president.

i don't like the darkness, the mess, the confusion of it all......and so i accept
half ideas that aren't backed by much, and leave it at that.

until now.
i've decided i want to change that.
it doesn't mean i think i'll have any clearer answers.
i think it just means i'll have a deeper understanding of how complicated
everything is and i'll have even less answers.

i've decided i want to learn more and know less.

and i've decided this is what i want to do in response to the shootings.

i think what we do when we're horrified is we look for an answer to explain
the horror. and we look for something to blame and for something to stop
and for something to fix.

of course we do.
we want to fix this.
we need this to stop.

but if we're gonna do that, we feel like it needs to be something we can
automatically point our fingers at. like the NRA.

cause that's the way you fix something.
you find a problem and you change it.

and let's face it, the NRA is a great thing to grab.

i believe every gun control comment comes from a place of
well meaning and sincere grief and caring.
we want the senseless killing to stop.

i believe that. and i'm so behind those feelings.

but i think we have to look deeper.
i sincerely with all my heart do.
and i think WE have to own our part in this.

because, yeah, i think everyone of us has a part in the violence in our society.

and how do we hold that?
how do we really really hold that?

where did this killer come from?
are there any ways for us to know why and how he became like this?
what on earth do we do with those things once we figure them out?
why are there more and more of these happening?
it can't just be because i can get a gun. cause i wouldn't do it even if you
handed me a pile of 'em free of charge.
so what makes someone do this?
what are we doing that feeds this in what ways that we're not even realizing?

are we responsible for the way the media reports these things?
are we responsible for the violence in the media all around us in movies and tv?
are we responsible for the lack of mental health resources?
for our own individual lack of understanding of mental illness?
for the lack of positive resources to teach strength and morality and as dumb
as it sounds - love?

yes.
yes.
yes.
yes.

and how do i hold that?
what do i do with that?
i feel completely powerless to do ANYTHING about ANY of those
things i just listed.

i honestly don't want to become an activist and go lobby in DC.
i want to make art and write poetry and be a candlelight in someone's darkness.

i don't know the first thing about any of the stuff i just asked.
and so i want to turn back to the NRA and gun control.

i want that to fix this.
i want this to stop.

but deep down, i don't believe that's the answer.
so i go back over and over again to the questions.

and i decided i needed to start by learning more.
because what i can do, and i feel i need to do now, is be informed,
and when i have a conversation with another, i need to be able to sincerely
articulate these thoughts and the things that i'll learn.

i've watched what ignorance does to people.
ignorance creates darkness.

and right now the only thing i can figure out to do,
is to be less ignorant than i am.
to learn. and to speak of what i learn.

and it's so darn tiny it feels like nothing.
and yet.......for me, it feels like the biggest honoring i can do for those children.
i can learn.
i can become more.
and i can talk about it.
and maybe that's the start of changing things.
i don't know.

but that's what i've got this morning.
and my heart is filled with this feeling.
so i wanted to offer it.

4 comments:

Crowing Crone Joss said...

it's so easy to feel powerless and confused and yes, even responsible somehow. We each need to tend to our own garden of life, our own circle and be conscious of finding ways to truly BE the change we want to see in the world.
Otherwise we expend so much energy on condemning the media, or the mental health system of the gun laws or lack thereof. Some of us are warriors and we fight to change the world. Many of us are poets, as you say, and we add beauty and truth to the world in that way. Truly that is what our world is in need of, beauty, truth, kindness, compassion - and those are things each of us can add to the whole.
Take care of you and your heart, my friend.

Brenda Ratcliff said...

I love your openness to the uncomfortable reality of not having the answers. And I love your willingness to sit with the questions rather than jumping on the immediate backlash "solutions." It is much easier to be "right" than to sit with the questions that have perplexed us for so long. Thanks for sharing this.

Taexalia said...

Hello from Scotland :)

I see the social commentary starting to form into an either/or kind of thinking. There are those who think gun control needs to be looked at, and now the responses are coming out that think gun control is not the answer. There is the amazing post from a woman whose son has mental health issues where she calls for mental health to be the focus of the conversation.

http://anarchistsoccermom.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/thinking-unthinkable.html

My thinking is that this problem has become so serious in America that there is no reason why both issues can't be central to the problem solving.

Here in Scotland we experienced a massacre of children and their teacher at Dunblane. This was in 1996. I will never forget that, where I was, who I was with and watching the news unfold.

Following the tragedy, the response led to some of the strictest gun control laws in the world being implemented. As a society, we have no problem with this. I think that it is acceptable to remove the tools that enable someone to kill so many people so quickly.

It has not healed the broken society, the anti-social behaviour, or stopped violence - and I do think we need to work towards a more heart-centred culture. But since 1996 there has only been one shooting spree in the UK.

I think mental health and access to guns can together be a focus for change.

Sending love

AkasaWolfSong said...

Your offering is exactly what is needed right now, and all of us need to be offering what is laying so open and raw in our hearts.
It all begins with dialogue. In order to heal this Planet and live in peace we need to learn to listen to one another and move forward, with that. Listening creates a holy silence as wise woman Rachel Naomi Remen once stated. In in that holy silence comes the answers.
And then there is the rolling up of the sleeves and doing the true work, that of being the 'light or change we wish to see.'
I honor your voice Sister, your opinion, your heart's song...
In Loving Kindness,
Akasa
Stop by Stone Soup and read my words and listen?