morning thoughts

i have trouble talking about it.
for so many different reasons.
and so i don't.

i debated with myself on writing this particular post.
and then i asked myself what was the point of this blog?

the answer is what it's been all along -
to share the journey of trying to learn to live in this world and still find my way
to having an open heart.

and so, i decided to go ahead and type this.

the school shooting hasn't left my mind from the moment i heard about it.
i've tried to quietly hold it in my own way and i've been struggling with how
to do that. how to even get close to it in my head and still stand.
i get close, but i can't seem to really do it.
it's just so overwhelming.

when i saw the first NRA post on facebook, i cringed.

i know i'm real sensitive right now and that there's just about nothing anyone
can say that helps. and so i just shook it off as my raw nerves.

and then i saw another. and another. and another. and another. and another.

because of that, i have spent a long time thinking about it.

to be clear - i am no NRA fan.
to be clearer - i have no facts that i can back up those feelings with.

i was raised in a liberal democrat family. i am registered an independent.
i consider myself liberal. i lean towards anti-war/anti-killing and yet never
have figured out how that answers things like what you do when you've
got a hitler to deal with. i'm a vegetarian. i even hate to kill ants.

i have vague ideas that wouldn't work in a real world and i'm so glad i'll
never ever be president.

i don't like the darkness, the mess, the confusion of it all......and so i accept
half ideas that aren't backed by much, and leave it at that.

until now.
i've decided i want to change that.
it doesn't mean i think i'll have any clearer answers.
i think it just means i'll have a deeper understanding of how complicated
everything is and i'll have even less answers.

i've decided i want to learn more and know less.

and i've decided this is what i want to do in response to the shootings.

i think what we do when we're horrified is we look for an answer to explain
the horror. and we look for something to blame and for something to stop
and for something to fix.

of course we do.
we want to fix this.
we need this to stop.

but if we're gonna do that, we feel like it needs to be something we can
automatically point our fingers at. like the NRA.

cause that's the way you fix something.
you find a problem and you change it.

and let's face it, the NRA is a great thing to grab.

i believe every gun control comment comes from a place of
well meaning and sincere grief and caring.
we want the senseless killing to stop.

i believe that. and i'm so behind those feelings.

but i think we have to look deeper.
i sincerely with all my heart do.
and i think WE have to own our part in this.

because, yeah, i think everyone of us has a part in the violence in our society.

and how do we hold that?
how do we really really hold that?

where did this killer come from?
are there any ways for us to know why and how he became like this?
what on earth do we do with those things once we figure them out?
why are there more and more of these happening?
it can't just be because i can get a gun. cause i wouldn't do it even if you
handed me a pile of 'em free of charge.
so what makes someone do this?
what are we doing that feeds this in what ways that we're not even realizing?

are we responsible for the way the media reports these things?
are we responsible for the violence in the media all around us in movies and tv?
are we responsible for the lack of mental health resources?
for our own individual lack of understanding of mental illness?
for the lack of positive resources to teach strength and morality and as dumb
as it sounds - love?

yes.
yes.
yes.
yes.

and how do i hold that?
what do i do with that?
i feel completely powerless to do ANYTHING about ANY of those
things i just listed.

i honestly don't want to become an activist and go lobby in DC.
i want to make art and write poetry and be a candlelight in someone's darkness.

i don't know the first thing about any of the stuff i just asked.
and so i want to turn back to the NRA and gun control.

i want that to fix this.
i want this to stop.

but deep down, i don't believe that's the answer.
so i go back over and over again to the questions.

and i decided i needed to start by learning more.
because what i can do, and i feel i need to do now, is be informed,
and when i have a conversation with another, i need to be able to sincerely
articulate these thoughts and the things that i'll learn.

i've watched what ignorance does to people.
ignorance creates darkness.

and right now the only thing i can figure out to do,
is to be less ignorant than i am.
to learn. and to speak of what i learn.

and it's so darn tiny it feels like nothing.
and yet.......for me, it feels like the biggest honoring i can do for those children.
i can learn.
i can become more.
and i can talk about it.
and maybe that's the start of changing things.
i don't know.

but that's what i've got this morning.
and my heart is filled with this feeling.
so i wanted to offer it.