it was a special gathering at one of the shops i've worked with for years now.
i've only been up to the shop one time before, but loved it.
the event was something i didn't want to miss, so my guy and i made the trek up.
there were people i had talked with over the phone and over email that i got
to meet for the first time. that's always such fun. and my gosh, how facebook
has changed things! i actually recognized people before i was introduced.
but there was a man there that i didn't realize was going to be there.
it was towards the end. i stopped the shop owner to thank her, and she
started telling me about someone who was there. as she described him,
i thought he sounded familiar. i asked his name, and then lit up and said
'i know him! he's here?!'
he and i had exchanged some emails a few years ago.
he's a counselor who works with vets and PTSD.
as she brought me over to him, i was filled with delight to meet him.
and the minute i saw him, i just loved him. we got to talking and
i felt so comfortable with him, i ended up telling him something that
i hadn't even told anyone yet. that's rare for me. i totally enjoyed him.
things happen and people shift, and we moved on but moved back
again in a little while. and that's when he said something to me about
he was just explaining something to me. explaining some of the feelings,
and emotions that they're experiencing. it really wasn't a moment you'd
stop and notice.
the thing is tho, by now i had made a connection with him and felt
comfortable and apparently very safe. cause when he said something about
what they go thru, i allowed it to hit me like i would if i were alone.
and the tears came to my eyes and i couldn't talk for a moment.
and i was okay with that.
the level of being okay with that was unusual for me.
later, i was thinking about that.
normally, i would keep a certain amount of a wall up.
granted, i'm pretty open a lot of the time and tears and choking up
are not uncommon. but this was unusual as it was something
i normally would have kept the tears back from. and only felt them
later when i was alone, thinking about it.
but i felt safe.
and didn't need to hide.
i could just be.
i'm thinking he's probably a rockin' good counselor!
and i'm thinking i liked being able to let that wall down.
i liked not hiding.
and i'm thinking that it's something i want to do more.
and yeah, it'd be nice if everyone was as safe as this guy,
but they're not.
and yet....i still want to.
not for anyone else's sake.
but for mine.
hiding isn't real.
and i want real.
how do you do that when it's not quite as safe?
maybe i have to think about what 'safe' is......
because maybe it doesn't matter.
maybe i want to be totally me no matter what.
no matter if it's 'safe' or 'unsafe'......
maybe it's just plain ol' time.
no matter what.
thanking this guy for bringing this all up for me...
and for my guy who's always reminding me it's safer than i know.