muddlin' thru...

i am such a rookie when it comes to doin' some of this inner work.

but it's a new year, right?
if stuff lands on you new year's day, it's kinda hard not to want
to work with it in a new way. you kinda just HAVE to try learning
new ways or trying new approaches. that's the whole point of new
year's. is it not???

thing is, i'm never quite sure how to do that.
always sounds so good....but i'm always a little lost on technique.

so this time, i watched.
i watched what my mind was doing and where it went and
where it liked to stay.

and i read books that would guide me.

i read things about working from my center
and working from a place of love.
i read things about staying in the moment.

and i'd try them out.

this is where the rookie status comes in.

i'm a total beginner.
maybe even a pre-beginner or
whatever would be not quite as good as a beginner.

i could snatch moments.
just moments.

but the thing is, i keep trying.
and the moments keep coming.

i can't get it all to last in one long stretch....
but i can grab moments.

and it's in those moments i'm seeing what these guides are tellin me.
i'm seeing that when i stay in the present, and don't wander down the
road of fears, the story that holds such power normally, isn't there anymore.

now, thing is, that story comes roarin' back moments later.
like i say.....rookie.

but.
a rookie who can tune into moments of being present.

and here's the really odd thing that i'm wondering about this morning....
i'm thinking because of those moments, i can see myself way clearer.
i can see exactly what it is i do and allow to create this space for the
fears and the hurts.

i can see it the same way i can see the stuff sitting on my desk.
there's an envelope, there's a mouse, there's a mug...on and on.
they're just there. no judgments. they're just there.

i can tell you if the mug's in the way of the screen i have to move it,
if the mouse is in the wrong place, it won't work.

that's just the way it goes.

well, there have been brief glimpses inside myself like that.
you don't speak your truth, this happens. you figure you don't count,
then this happens. that kinda thing.

and suddenly, no one's doin' anything to me.......i'm making space for
stuff i don't want.

hmmmm.

it's all real new to me.
not sure i'm making sense.

think i need to practice more to figure out what's goin' on.
but this is how far i've gotten so far.
and i'm definitely intrigued.