so it just sorta hit me outta the blue the other nite.
-the identity crisis-
(a.k.a. self doubt, inner turmoil, muddled confusion - any of
those...but i liked 'the identity crisis')
fell on me.
right on top of my head.
and then oozed all down me.
i fell right into the pit of 'i'm notta'
'i'm not an artist.'
'i'm not a writer.'
well what the heck am i, then??
WHO ARE YOU TERRI?
WHAT ARE YOU?
WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING???
one of those moments that hit, and then stayed.
then life got busy, and there were a few other things
i had to deal with. so it just kinda sat there inside of me
tuggin' at me. oozin' around in me and over me. ans whispering
those darn questions over and over again.
and then i got this really beautiful note from a friend.
that said stuff about my writing.
outta the blue.
another outta the blue bam.
only this one was a good outta the blue bam.
so i sat there, holding what she had written
and said 'okay. okay. what does this mean?
does this mean you can write???'
and i thought about it.
and i realized i had fixed ideas - nice little boxes - of what
i thought an artist was and what i thought a writer was.
and no, i didn't fit in these little boxes.
so then i got to thinking about that.
and realized none of those labels mattered.
and that my holding those darn boxes was hurting me.
i had to drop the boxes.
but there was more.
what mattered was that i was offering who i was.
whatever it was i was doing, i was offering my heart.
and that's what i had to focus on.
that's kinda cool.
so from that, i got the idea of not holding the 'stuff' -
the self doubt - or the self confidence - none of that.
don't hold the 'stuff'.....just be. don't hold the boxes,
don't hold the labels. just be.
so i thought i was good with it.
but i shoulda known by my mood that i wasn't.
and the next day nothing was clicking quite right.
discouragement was around every corner.
and then my girlfriend popped in looking for some valentines.
'how ya doin' ter?'
and i looked at her and said 'ahhhhh kinda funky lousy.'
she stretched out her arms wide, inviting me in for a hug.
i sunk into her arms.
and as she held me she said 'me too!'
so we laughed and hugged some more and joked and
decided we needed a coffee break.
so out we went.
and we sat and we talked.
from our hearts.
we dug right in.
and we talked about sacred spaces.
and stepping into them.
and we talked of being sacred vessels,
and how what we're offering is more than ourselves.
that somehow when we offer who we are, something else
happens. when she talked of her own self and her work,
i could see it so clearly. when she talked of our other friend
and her work, i nodded whole heartedly. and when she spoke
of me and my work, my eyes welled up with tears and i held
what she was saying so gently and so gratefully. and i nodded.
i believe what she said.
that when we offer stuff from our hearts, when we offer what's
really us, it becomes more than us.
she used this gorgeous visual of a bowl of water reflecting the
stars in the sky....but holding more than just one piece of the sky...
holding all the heavens inside it.
she likened us to the bowl.
how beautiful is that?
i sat there picturing the bowl.
thinking of my insides.
thinking of what i believed and what i felt.
and my eyes just welled up with tears.
i haven't a clue 'what' i am - as in if i'm an artist or a writer -
but i do believe the sacred vessel part.
i believe we're all those sacred bowls.
and i believe that when we offer what's inside of us,
somehow, we offer all of the heavens at the same time.
and THAT is one heck of a thought.
(i posted a bone sigh on this on the tumblr page if you feel so inclined...)