it wasn't my fault

there has been a ton whirling around inside of me.

in trying to narrow it down a bit to post some kinda thoughts here,
i went to one of the strongest whirls that began inside me at the end of last week.

the idea that 'it wasn't my fault.'

i'm not sure how anyone else works.
but i'm a 'it was all my fault' kinda person.

i read something in the road less traveled, by m. scott peck, that really caught
my attention. he was talking about how most people who come in to counselors
for help have either a neurosis or a character disorder.

the neurotic assumes too much responsibility,
the one with the character disorder, not enough.

so okay, i'd be of the neurotic group!

i've gotten healthier now so while i still pretty quickly head to 'ohmygosh,
it was all my fault.' - i now will catch myself a few moments later and think
'well, no, it really wasn't.'

so that's good.

but then there's the deep stuff. the stuff way way way down deep.
and well.....even tho my HEAD knows it's not my fault,
my BONES still somehow hold on to somehow it really was.

but then friday evening, something clicked.
and i stopped.
stayed real still.
thought about it.
then couldn't think without thinking out loud.
so started runnin' it all by my guy.
he listened.
and he got how i was 'seeing thru a new window.'

and he understood the power of it for me.

saturday i found myself sitting in the woods talking it over with my tree.

after awhile, i figured i should head back and find my guy.
as i turned to walk away, i stopped.
turned back again.
and i sat down on a log where i could get a great view of my tree.
and i crouched real low to the earth.
and hunched up like a little kid.
and sang to myself a bit.
and thought about how it wasn't my fault.

the hurt.
the hurt i carried.
the deep stuff that i've carried for so long as having happened
because i wasn't enough of something-or-other -
that stuff -

i understood in a whole different way that none of it had to do with me.

i noticed the kid-like position i was in.
i noticed how close i was to the earth and how child-like i was feeling.

and i held that.
and my inner child whispered 'it's not my fault.'

and instead of the tears i had cried the nite before,
i smiled.
and smiled.
and smiled.

maybe this will stay and i'll know it now.
maybe it will go away or i'll find another layer where i need to learn it
in a deeper way all over again.

i have no idea.

but what i do know is i found another window from which to look thru.
i found it because of words. because of the way i could wrap some words
around some things and understand them better. maybe because the words
allowed me to step aside and look easier.

maybe because i could then flip it off of me and look at it as if it was someone else.
and i knew. i just knew. as clear as i woulda known watchin' anyone else.....
i could see.

words.
i really need them sometimes.
labels. i need those too.
for a start sometimes.
then i need to drop them all and just feel and talk to my tree
and just sit with the earth and sing.....

sometimes that sitting and singing really helps the knowing.

and right now.....i just know.
it wasn't my fault.