Wednesday, March 20, 2013

knock knock

i think sometimes when you're ready, you're ready.

and my goodness, with the stuff pouring out of me,
i'd say i was ready.

we all have stuff, right?
stuff hangin' in the corridors of our depths that need to be looked at,
seen, understood, let go of......

well, for me, some of that stuff is really big and the reason it's still there
is it's so big and i don't know what to do with it.

but i've been seein' it affect me.
and i'm thinking that's not okay.
it's one thing when it lays quietly in the dark and doesn't seem to bother you.
but when you can see it leaking out around you -
okay, then it's time to do something.

not knowing what to do,
i wrote.


that worked.


stuff came right on up.
like i'd just been waiting and waiting for the pen.


so i tried different kindsa writing.
conversations with my inner child.
bone sighs.
random writing.

and it was as if the more i wrote, the more had to come out.

it was pouring so fast, i decided to type.

i usually do the handwriting thing as i feel like there's power there.
but this time seemed like i wouldn't be able to keep up.

now.....i've typed before.
i've typed fast, not correcting, and i've typed stream of consciousness kinda stuff.

but i never ever typed like this before.
i didn't look at the screen.
i didn't really 'look' anywhere.
and i typed so fast, i made so many mistakes, i doubt anyone would be
able to read what i typed.
but i didn't care.
i just kept going.
and going and going.

and i kinda wandered into some really cool territory.

and i remembered....something i believe in......

our answers are within us.

i remembered that.

funny, how i forget these things.

i love that thought.
and believe that thought......
that deep deep down inside ourselves there is wisdom beyond our understanding.

it's ours.
if we go get it.

and i started bumping into things about releasing, and not
understanding and that being okay...and how i could only live
fully by letting go. and trust.......oh, trust, trust
was coming up.

this was just the first round.
the very beginning.
and i know all too well that i'll be tempted to not pick up the pen again.
i do that when something really works for me.
i turn away from it.
but this time i've got to turn towards it.
i've got to.
if i'm gonna deal with what's inside of me,
and finding the answers i need right now,
i've got to.

i believe that inner wisdom is a gift.
i think it's time i went knocking on its door.

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