Tuesday, March 19, 2013

power of goals

i'm not sure we really knew what we were doing.
it all just kinda happened.
but there were things that pushed us in a certain direction.

he knew i was on a personal quest and wanted to find 'real' -
and that i didn't want to settle for anything less.

he touched in on the real with me, became a believer
and became the main voice nudging us not to settle.

we both had been thru painful marriage break-ups filled with
regrets, mistakes and things we needed to own.

we tackled so many hurdles in front of us that the only way thru them
was workin' really hard together. working really really hard.

the trust built, the trust wobbled, and there was more work to be done.
over and over and over again on that one - maybe a forever thing.

i so wanted to figure out what love is. what it truly is.
he got curious as well.
learning love meant learning about our baggage and working with what that
baggage did to us and between us.

and somewhere along this whole road of trying so hard to find the real,
we formed a goal together - to really explore where love can go.
to find the depths and explore together.

a way way cool thing.
that just sorta happened.
and i think i only really just realized it this past week -
that we have a real goal we're working for -
that sunk in and i understood what we had committed to.

goals are funny things.
my dad was a big champion of goals.
'what's your goal?' was a question he asked often,
and it's a question that you hear in my house many a time now.

i've rolled my eyes at my goals and even kicked in their direction more
than once as they've kept me trying harder than i wanted to, pushing
further than i thought i could push, and kept a light in front of me that sometimes
i just wanted to ignore.

goals can do that.
i didn't really know til i got some life goals that mattered to me so much, they
became a drive inside of me.
i can't just ignore those goals when the going gets rough.
as a matter of fact, when the going gets rough is when i really need to turn towards them.
cause they whisper, shout, push and shove me in the direction i want to go.

well, darn it all, if it doesn't turn out that this relationship goal is now doing the same thing.
it's pushing me deeper and deeper into giving my all, going beyond what i thought i
could, and keeping a light in front of me that sometimes i just want to ignore.

cause we can't explore love together if i hold back who i am.
even if sometimes i'm so scared of showing who i am.
can't do it.
can't explore love together if i'm not honest, even if sometimes it would be so much
easier to just kinda glide over something and make it a little more slanted in another direction.
you just can't do it.

you gotta be real, and total, and honest and true and all of you.


which means you gotta figure all that stuff out about you.
and you gotta believe in all that stuff enough to share it even in the most
vulnerable moments.

and somehow i know this is leading me to healing that's needed to happen,
to belief in myself that's needed to grow, and ultimately to deeper self love.

how incredibly amazing is that?
a goal in my relationship.
i think i gotta have one.
i'm not sure i ever thought of it quite this way.
and now i don't think i'll ever not think of it this way again.


who knew the power they could really hold over you -
if you really really want to achieve them.

and if you're lucky, they'll become part of you and change you forever.
who knew?

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