a transition

i don't think you can know it's a transition when you begin to step into it.
i mean, how the heck are you gonna know?

and then, yeah, maybe when you get knocked down flat a gazillion times
in a row, you can look up and say 'what the heck is goin' on???'

and yeah, maybe then you can kinda hope it's a transition or something
positive in any form as it's hurting a heck of a lot and it'd be nice if it was
a good thing in the long run.

but i'm thinking it takes awhile to figure it out.

so there i was, sittin' outside taking a break with my girlfriend.
it'd been a long time.
i had disappeared while i was workin' thru a lotta stuff.
having come outta the funk enough to be sociable, i was filling her
in on what was going on.

i kinda already knew stuff was up.
but it wasn't until i put it all together, lined it all up in some kinda order
to explain it, emphasized the big parts, and blended it all together
that it was right in front of my face like a neon sign.

wow.

a transition.

and here's the kicker -
after what feels like forever (and prolly's been about a month)
of really doin' some internal struggling, i can see so clearly how
i'm coming to a crossing.

i can see it really clearly now.

one of those deep ones.
where i'm headin' down another layer and workin' with life
from a layer down.

and i want this.

i really really want this layer.

it's about seeing.
and living with what you see.
it's about living deeply and fully in spite of the pain.

my girlfriend looked at me and said it was like a spiral.
that it wasn't a new place i was in,
it was a deeper place.
and the spiral just kept going.

and i'd be back again.
and again.
and again.

and hopefully i'd be going deeper and deeper each time.

i nodded with tears in my eyes.

it felt really right to me.

she also remembered my cave of years ago.
where i went in and threw down my beliefs.

there have been times i've gone back
thought i was pickin' stuff up.
feelin' happy and good like i was making progress.

but there's something different going on right now.
deep. real. quiet.

a feeling of 'it's time.'

i smiled at her.
'maybe it's time i went back there.' i said.

'i'm thinking it is' she answered.

driving home, i cried.
and said out lout thru tears 'i'm ready.'

now.
let's see where i go........