Boof with a capital B

it was the coolest thing.

i was on the treadmill goin' to town.
had the music goin, was movin' along, and all of a sudden it felt like
these doors slid open in my chest cavity and out came this big ol'
gust of fear.

whoosh.

woe.
i noticed it.
i kept moving along, but as i did so i thought 'wow! look at that that!
look at all that fear!'

honestly it was like a big ol' gust of fear smoke blew outta me.

and i just watched.

i didn't think 'oh, i should watch this.' or 'oh, i need to just observe
and let it be what it is.' or anything like that.

i just watched with surprise and interest.
kinda like a third party or something.

well, once that gust of fear smoke cleared, i could feel those sliding
doors open again inside me and -
Boof! ('poof' is too small a word - more like Boof with emphasis on the
capital B) another gust came right out again.

Boof.

only this time it was frustration.

'wow? seriously? look at this!'

and this big ol' gust of frustration smoke blew outta me.

woe.

i'm still moving along, the music's still going....but i'm definitely intrigued.

and yep.......you guessed it.....once that smoke cleared, the doors slid open
yet again.

this happened  a few more times with all kindsa things coming out.

things i don't even have words for.
feelings.
just big huge feelings.

they'd puff out, and then be gone.

i started looking not at the feelings, but at the space they were coming out of.

i was so amazed that i was letting this happen, that i wasn't fighting it,
that i was open.i could just feel this open place.
and i could feel this openness inside me in a way i never felt before.

have no idea why or where it came from.
just know it happened.
and that it didn't scare me at all.
i tried to feel that open space and get to a place where i could
know it. so that when it came back, i'd immediately turn towards it again.
i didn't want to try to grasp it and hold on to it - cause i'm thinking that
makes openness go away....so i just tried to watch and feel and see it.

cause i think it's really what i've been looking for for a very long time.