Thursday, April 25, 2013

breathing again

i was much more quiet than you'd imagine.
and i kept leaking tears.
good tears.
really really good tears.

as i pulled out the english ivy vines, i'd tug really hard
and think even harder.

and all the while the tears leaked.

i thought over the past ten years or more.

all the stories i had heard, all the stories i had watched,
the ones that were part of my own life, the ones that were just in the distance...

some of the really hard stuff.
stuff that i had wished had gone differently.
stuff that i couldn't understand or make sense of or grieved deeply.

i have always seen good in even the blackest times i've witnessed.
there's always been at least a speck of good.
i've never lost sight of that.

but it's always been the 'side good.' the stuff on the edges.
the stuff you gain thru it, or the people who reach out, or the small little
beams of light that shoot thru.

all important, all valuable and worthwhile....
but none that i could think of that were overwhelmingly hugely,
the main part of the deal big.

none of it that big ol' huge chunks of goodness in the midst of dark.

until sue's news.

it's huge.
it's a game changer.
it's what she said on fb - it's the first time since 2011 her mom felt like
she could breathe again.

it's air giving - life giving news.
it's overwhelmingly huge -
it's the main part of the deal big.

right there.

there was the medical team - i witnessed just a tiny part of that -
but my gosh, they were constantly attentive. constantly there.
and there was you guys - i witnessed a big part of that -
you were constantly attentive. constantly there.

i saw all that.
i heard about it.
i watched it.

and in digesting her good news,
and thinking about all of this -
something started sliding off of me.
something i didn't want on me.
something i didn't even know was on me.

a 'protective' coating, i guess you could call it.
but one of those protections that in truth just keeps your spirit tighter.
your soul smaller.

one of those things.

and i could feel it sliding off.

and as it slid, i'd leak tears.

i could breathe again too.
in my own way, for my own reasons, my breathing had gotten much
shallower.......way less deep....

and i could feel the need for the deep breath in.
and i could inhale and feel it.

sue's news melted a coating on me.
sue's news opened my lungs again.
sue.....her medical team......every single one of you guys....
the universe itself....tugged and tugged at me and reminded me that
really big chunks of good still do happen.

they really do still happen.

and i so needed to remember that.
they won't always happen.
they may not even mostly happen.
but they still can and do happen.

and i had forgotten.

but i remember now.
and i'm breathing again......
and feeling ever so grateful.


Diane in AR said...

absolutely perfect - love the way you describe these intimate and very personal feelings and love that you share them with us - you give us the words we feel, but often cannot fully express ourselves. Thank you Terri !!

terri st. cloud said...

thanks, diane...

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing this, Ter. After seeing and knowing how much walking my journey since my diagnosis has been really tough for you (and all who've stayed close to me), it feels good to know that a weight has been lifted from you. And faith in "the big good" has been felt in a powerful way. Thanks for holding on to hope with me. Thanks for shining light. Thanks for loving me through it all. And thanks for reminding me of the stars that connect us all. Celebrating with you the feeling of really and truly breathing good. Love you. Love to all of you.
-Sue Scott