Wednesday, April 24, 2013


i don't even know where to start...
except to say i'm sitting here crying with gratitude......

i musta checked in on sue's fb page about 20,000 times yesterday.
i'd go to her page, her mom's page, her brother's page....
no news anywhere.

all day.
all evening.

when it hit about 7:00 i got to thinking the news had to be bad.
if it was good, they'd be shouting it out, wouldn't they?

funny thing tho, i would only kinda stand off in a distance from that thought.
i'd look at it, figure it's prolly the case, but i wouldn't pick it up.

i noticed that.

i had moped plenty. cried some. worried a ton. but i wouldn't pick
up what i figured was the final verdict.

i wonder if we're just hardwired to hope.

i was beat. i had mowed the lawn, done yet more gardening, worked,
paced around my house quite a bit, and been agitated all day.

i fell right alseep.
but then woke up just a little later.

i now have one of those smarty pants phones.
first time i ever had one.
i'm a clunk on it.
BUT! i can check mail and fb!

i grabbed it.
went right to sue.....and there it was -


and then a note from josh making sure i saw the good news!!!


this was her last ditch effort ever.
this was one of those clinical trials - one with not much hope, but it's something. ya know?
this was a complete walk thru hell wondering the whole time if it's worth the walk.

and there it is........the news that it was worth it!

she had two tumors - one is no longer visible and the other is significantly reduced.

i can't say it without crying.

i had grabbed my laptop by this time, and dropped a few notes.
sitting on my bed, typing madly, announcing her news, writing to her and her mom,
and crying.

when i closed the laptop and turned the light back off, i curled down deep in my covers.
it was dark. it was so quiet. i was all alone.

and it felt right to be all alone.
it felt too big to hold without being all alone.
i just needed to be by myself in the dark.

i lay there and felt the gratitude.
it was so strong and so deep.
it's been a long time since i've seen life throw something major good in a really hard
situation. the little goods are there all the time - but seeing a major good was just
overwhelming and i was just so grateful.

i can't thank everyone enough who sent sue good energy and all that you sent -
i just can't thank you enough.


AkasaWolfSong said...

Stars spilling out of hearts, pockets, fingers, eyes, nose, mouth, doorways, portals, and more...always more...and the news is...well, I don't have an appropriate word for how incredible this is...suffice it to say "gratitude" is the key word here!

Thank You Sue for holding the stars and believing in them...Thank You Star Woman for believing in them...and Thank You to The Blessed Universe for listening to so many hearts needing Sue right now...

I'll tiptoe away now...

terri st. cloud said...

akasa...i am sending you a big ol' bear hug, woman. just a big ol' long bear hug!

barb said...

Hi Terri,
Gratitude and love in unlimited quantities to Sue...
More sparklies, more smiles, more love...

Diane Stefan said...

I too am so full of gratitude at the good sue news.. . .so full!!

I was exhausted after a long day going 3.5 hours south to Little Rock, have a meeting (which thankfully was wonderful) and then back home again - exhausted. . .but nothing compared to Sue's day yesterday. . .

I went online to check on things, see if there was an update from you or Sue. . .nothing. . .but then she was 'liking' some posts, so I prayed, waited, sent some stars too and just before I was about to power down (me and the computer) there it was - her awesome news. . .thanks terri for sharing her with us and for letting us be part of her life and now her gratitude and joy. . .

Merry ME said...

I was thinking you should probably bottle the star mircle medicine then realized the magic comes from not being bottled. From being free to dance to and fro from each of us to Sue, back and forth to you, from here to there in the heart shaped universe. Miracles and magic happen when people share love.

Love hearing the good news.

terri st. cloud said...

high fivin' you guys!

Sue Scott said...

Tears, tears, and more tears. Such love. So much beautiful connection happenin' here. With your loving souls. Wow. And TerBear.....rejoicing with me after seeing my battle up CLOSE.....knowing what my freshly bald head looks like. And how I look when I haven't showered in 3 days due to exhaustion. And seeing the "star wall" in my hospital room that was your doing. You so totally GOT what this journey felt like for me. (How do you do dat so dang good?!?! Awesomeness!). When you wrote above about the clinical trial with not much in the way of results, but there were no other options for me.....I bawled..... Then you wrote that it was such hell to go through and with no certainty that those days and days (and days) of hell would lead to anything good.....I just cried so hard...layin' here in my bed....readin' your words and cryin'.... Because I felt from your words (and all your amazing actions along the way) that you really WENT THERE with me. You rode the roller coaster. You walked the dark path with me, searching for the moments where the light broke through. You held my hand on the really hellish days, where the light seemed so far away. You were there. My TerBear. The multi-ink pen is the only one I use now, when I write cards to people. The sock puppets and I have had some surprisingly good conversations! The silver star bear and the lip covered bear are sitting above my bed on the armoire and they're the first things I see when I wake up each day. You are there with me always...and in all ways. Grateful. So dang grateful. My love to all the star got me here. This hope-bringing good news is all of ours. I didn't do it.......we did it. Love you. And a heart full of stars being sent to each of you.
-Sue Scott