Friday, April 5, 2013

deeper and deeper i dive

i can't believe it's been so many years that i've been workin' on figuring
myself out. it's well over ten now, and gettin' too close to fifteen.

wow.....that's a lotta years workin' on myself.

the good news is i'm amazing myself at how much quicker i am at seeing
underneath the gunk and understanding what strings are being pulled, what buttons
being pushed - really getting why i am feeling the strong feelings i'm feeling.

while i've been impressed at my seeing it lately,
the speed that it's happening in now is downright fast.
i just keep getting faster and faster.
so that's kinda cool.
it helps when understanding comes in faster, ya know?
progress is made with all this work put in.
that's the good news.

the bad news is that it's gonna take a lot more than that to deal with some of this stuff.

i have been going thru some pretty big string pulling and button pushing lately.
just recently, when i found myself right in the middle of it again, i could see what was up.
quickly. within minutes.

i can work with that, i thought.

the feelings were SO strong, but still, i knew i could work with it all.

not quite like i thought i could.

i tried, but didn't work quite right.
and i found myself lost in the sea of feelings.
completely discouraged.

as i leaned my head in my hands and cried and cried,
i kept thinking of how i was figuring stuff out fast.
and i kept responding with things like 'yeah, and a fat lotta good it's doin' ya too.'
and then i'd cry harder.

i'm laughing as i type this, so that's probably a good sign.
the wave has passed.

cause on about the third time i was mumbling 'a fat lotta good....' and
snifflin' away, i put my head up and stopped crying.

nah, it IS doin' you good, i told myself.
cause you know these are JUST feelings.
yeah, strong stinky overwhelming ol' feelings........but still........just feelings.

i thought of the little posty note i have on the wall near my desk -
something i wrote myself once -
'the only thing i can truly own are my own actions.'

these are mine.
and what i do with them are up to me.
and if i know why i'm having them, then i know i can work with them.

and quite honestly, i've had more than enough lately,
and i'd like them to go away. i'm tired of working with them.
but maybe it's so intense right now because i honestly have it in me to do the
work i need to right now.

i started thinking about me and my insides.
didn't look at anyone else involved -
and you know there's others that i want to involve -
ghosts from the past, button pushers in the present -
and i wanted to shove all this gunk on them.
make them take it.
let them hold it.
blame them and just be done with it.

ahhhhhhhhh but that so doesn't work, does it?

i could see how it was up to me.

i straightened up.
went and looked out the window.
thought about that a bit.
felt shaky, rattled, beat, and yeah, still teary.

but there was something inside that was steadying me.

i smiled.
remembered a bone sigh i had written over ten years ago...

“her head ached. her eyes were red. and on the upper layer was exhaustion. underneath, tho, there was a peace that steadied her. she felt it, trusted it, and leaned towards it.”

some things never change.
and yet they do, ter, they do.
deeper and deeper you dive, and stronger and clearer and healthier you get.
there's just a lot to wade thru.
that's all, ter.
that's all.
and you'll do it.
cause you can.


Merry ME said...

The other day Jack had me look in a box for his birth certificate. I didn't think it was there but I looked anyway cause it didn't seem to be anywhere else. I didn't find it. But I found my first marriage license and divorce papers, a letter from my father from before I moved here (the whole move was so full of promise, I never really thought of what could happen), the appraisal of my mom's sterling flatwear which is now nowhere near worth that, and a will that is outdated. It didn't take long to start crying, and curl up in a ball in the bed. I knew why I felt crappy. Just didn't feel like dealing with it. I knew the papers would be there to process some other time. I do like to sleep when those feeling wash over me! I've been baby sitting and trying to come to terms with this new "swaddling" thing that wraps babies up like mummies unable to move their arms and legs. I think it's supposed to mimic the small space of the womb. I don't wrap myself quite as tight, but I am beginning to understand the safe feeling covers have. Take care. Be good to yourself. Love you.

terri st. cloud said...

oh mar, i do know the cover thing as well! they are safe, aren't they? sorry you had one of those moments. i can just imagine how it all flooded all over you.....
ahhhhh this life we live.....