living fully

living fully has been on my mind pretty much constantly.

i guess cause i've only been living partly, and trying to figure out how
be okay with that.

and i'm not okay with that.
i'm just not.

so then how the heck do i live fully when so much of living hurts?

everywhere i turn, i'm noticing things, hearing things, watching things -
it seems like it's all talking to me about this subject.

when i got a letter in the mail the other day from a young girl telling me
she was in the hospital, that she had tried to kill herself,
was way close to successful, but not quite -
i just sat down and stopped for a bit.

she's still here. and she's thinking after all that, maybe there's a reason she's still here.

she's so darn young.
and it made me think of another so darn young girl who was all too successful.
and then it made me think of so many others.
so many different situations.

life.
what the heck do we do with it?

i think i gotta be two feet in.
with a clause in there that says sometimes i need to curl up in a ball with both
feet tucked in for a bit, and that's okay - as long as i come back after a short break.

i think i believe more than ever that it's a gift.
and for me, i cannot throw it away.
and living partly is throwing it away.

i think that sometimes things work out really cool, and we can have a hand in that.
and sometimes things don't work out in any way that looks okay.
and hard as we want to or try to, we can't change that.
all we can do is watch.

i think that some of the deepest beauty is in places i'd never look unless i had to,
and i think i'd miss so much if i wasn't pushed into those places.

and i think i learned a whole ton of stuff that isn't true about life, and it
gets in my way. and i gotta drop it.

i think i gotta stand empty handed facing it and being open to it.

i want back in.
two feet back in.
and i'm not sure how to survive that way.

but i'm pretty sure i can't survive any other way.

i've decided if i'm gonna do the two feet in thing,
i gotta do the healthy stuff as well - the eating right, the exercising,
getting enough sleep...all that stuff......cause i really think living with two feet
in requires us to be in our best shape.
at least it seems to for me.
it's so easy to crumble.
i want to stay as strong as i can so i can love with all i have.

and then.........because the messages are constant -
our quote of the day came up today and knocked me between the eyes -

'memories flood in...
regrets tug in one direction...
joys tug in another...
how do you hold a lifetime in your hands?
and what do you do now?
maybe you do the only thing that ever really mattered -
you love.
you offer love.
you give love.
you receive love
you breathe love.
you live love.
you love.'