a start

i was  workin' on the struggle i mentioned in the post below.

i had exercised and felt better. unsettled, but better.

as if she knew, a friend emailed me a quote -

'the way of the miracle worker is to see
all human behavior
as one of two things -
either love, or a call for love.'
-marianne williamson

while i'm not really interested in being a miracle worker,
sometimes i think it'd be a miracle if i could just keep my darn heart open.
i loved the quote.
promptly printed it out and put it near me.

it made sense. was beautiful. moved me.

and then i got agitated all over again.
REALLY stirred up.
i could see the waters inside me getting all nice and choppy.

i could see why. which was interesting all in itself.
until then, i hadn't seen the hidden stuff that was underneath the struggle.

and suddenly that quote didn't feel so great to me.
sure it's pretty, i thought. and it sounds so beautiful....
but man oh man....i'm sure not feelin' like answerin' any call to love with these people.
i'd rather just knock them flat and holler at them a bit.

wow...there's a lot here, i thought.
i went to fill orders and try to just let the stuff be.

when i came back to my computer i looked at the bone sigh i have
typed across my desktop -

'trusting life meant she had to stop trying to control it.
it meant releasing into not knowing -
and being okay with that.
it meant not understanding
but living fully anyway.
or maybe living fully because of that.'

bam.
right there.
i smiled.

obviously this is something i struggle with often -
not controlling the whole world.

not controlling. not understanding, and living fully anyway.

sigh.

but there IS something i can do, i thought.
and i committed to a bone sigh project i've been toying with in my mind.
(more about that later)
i need to DO something.
cause that's how i work.
i can't control anything -
but i can offer what's inside of me.

and that's a start.