the struggle

one of the dark parts of the world landed on me last nite.
one of those 'stories' that's not a story - it's someone's life.
worst of all, it's a child's life.

a child.
one who needs all of us to be our best.
and one who is surrounded by those who don't seem to know their best.

it landed on me and lit my insides on fire.

i think my immediate reaction is always a searching for what i can do to help.

and as i searched, i saw very little that i could do.
and i argued that.
strongly.
back and forth inside myself.
but truth is - there's very little i can do.

as is so often the case.

and that whisper came to me - 'ahhh....yeah....this is the problem with
living with two feet in....this is the problem with an open heart....this is
the struggle that you have no answers for....'

and i wondered if my heart would zip closed again.
i still don't know.
it feels like it's just waiting, zipper ready to close on up,
but just sorta stayin' there, ready. not moving one way or the other.

i lay down and quieted myself.
what is it you're feeling? i asked myself.
i fell asleep looking at my feelings.

i dreamed of some of the people involved.

i woke thinking of it all first thing.

i will exercise a lot of the stress out, but not all of it.
and certainly not the weight of it all.
that just doesn't leave.

i think of the children in the world who are hurt every single day,
over and over again, and how i can't stop it.

and once again i wonder how we're supposed to live here with an open heart
and two feet in.
i have no idea.

but maybe somehow it's because of those very same things i can't bear to see,
maybe in answer to them somehow -
maybe that's the very reason i need to be here with that open heart.

i don't know how to do it when i see this stuff...
i may not know HOW - but i'm beginning to see that maybe that darkness is
the reason WHY. and maybe THAT'S what i can do to help.

it feels too unconnected.
like what difference does it make to the kids all over the world who are hurt?
it doesn't feel enough.
and yet it feels so hard and feels like it will take my all.

and maybe for now, i just have to trust that.